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Posts Tagged ‘Offbeat’

Comatose Toddler Brings it Back with Disco

5/27/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under International Affairs, Music

Did you know that the earth-shattering music of ABBA is powerful enough to raise the dead? Ok - that’s an exaggeration - but the Swedish Pop group’s tunes can bring children out of a coma.

After suffering a severe case of meningitis and a heart attack, three-year-old Layla Towsey’s fate looked bleak. The English toddler soon fell into a coma and was put on life support. Her mother was even faced with the heart-wrenching task of kissing her daughter goodbye. However, this little dancing queen wasn’t ready to walk into the light. Five days after being completely unconscious, the little girl started emerging from her coma by humming and singing the “Mamma Mia” soundtrack, proving that God is totally into 70’s disco, and that the “tunnel of light” really is more like a lit-up dance floor.

The child had learned the songs after watching last summer’s sing-a-long blockbuster over and over again. Layla slowly regained full consciousness, and has since made a complete recovery. Now close your eyes, think of Divine Intervention, and enjoy the vision of Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep’s smiling faces. Amen.

Accidental Parent Swap Turns Out Alright

5/11/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under US

The lives of two Oregon women were proven to be complete shams after they discovered that they were- holy cow- switched at birth! Today both DeeAnn Angell and Kay Rene Reed are 56 years old, their parents deceased, and their chances of going back in time and making things right slimmer than ever, seeing as human technology has not reached that level of advancement.

Angell’s 86-year-old neighbor, somewhat of an local oracle, confirmed that there was a mix-up at the town’s hospital back in ‘53 and remained lucid throughout the account. However, she later made outlandish claims to the press that she is the half-brother of Roberto Mussolini, casting doubt on her credibility. Nevertheless, DNA evidence proved that the two women were - yes, indeed - switched at birth!

Luckily, the two ladies get along and they celebrated their 56th birthday together, laughing, enjoying ice cream cake, and avoiding conversation about their incredibly unorthodox relationship. Kay Rene (whose name rhymes on purpose) publicly announced that anyone who was switched at birth and would like to come forward can reach them at switched@birth.com

Case Closed on Sea Monster Mystery

4/03/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Science

For several months, mysterious ongoings at Britain’s Newquay Blue Reef Aquarium had workers perplexed. Some unseen menace was harming the coral, and had even injured a precious Tang Fish while avoiding traps the staff had laid for it - it was as if something out of the movie the Leviathan or Deep Blue Sea or any number of sea-based thrillers was creeping in on the humble museum. Then on one dark and stormy evening at sea (or tank) they saw it: It was a monster alright.

A giant four foot worm resembling one of the many nemesis of Godzilla himself was the nasty culprit of all of that aquatic destruction, terrorizing fish and wreaking havoc on the reef. The workers braced themselves for the fight of their lives, eventually catching the sucker and making sure that he could no longer hurt their favorite fish. However, rather then throw him back in the sea to elsewhere continue his reign of terror, they stuck him in his own tank and named him “Barry,” cause Barry’s just as good a name as any.

Aussie Woman Kills Husband with Genitals Fire

1/07/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs

A 44-year-old Australian woman is being charged with murder after botching a penis fire that caused injuries leading to her husbands death. The woman, Rajini Narayan, says that she decided to perpetrate the wang arson because she grew jealous after seeing her husband hugging another woman. In a sworn statement to police, the woman stated “I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else.” Narayan is now the proud possessor not only of the burnt penis she so desired, but also of a dead husband and all the associated burial costs.

The woman’s husband was sleeping when she doused his genitals with alcohol and set the area ablaze. He awoke frantically and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, spreading the flames to other items in the room. He appeared less concerned with the family heirloom linens than with his own precious heirloom (zing!), which further angered his wife.

“She’s a bitch. A crazy, penis burning bitch” said the man’s ghost, now sitting on a bench in a park that eternally experiences sunset and where the ducks never poop on the walkway. “I was the laughing stock of purgatory, but who’s laughing now?” When asked if he felt vengeful, the ghost stated “I’m not gonna sink to her level. But I do hope she grows a penis one day and someone sets it on fire.”

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Recent Comments

  • Dada July 3, 2009 9:25 pm I’m very interested in this kind of themed-movies. I absolutely love Tim...
  • David July 3, 2009 4:17 pm children are the most important things in our lives, we have to sacrifice everything for...
  • Jennifer Hodges July 1, 2009 4:40 pm Jayson- what exactly is “adventure music”???
  • Harrry July 1, 2009 1:11 pm IF YOUR HOMETOWN BECAME THE TARGET FOR AN APPROACHING NUCLEAR MISSILE,You would most...
  • Evan Kessler June 30, 2009 8:37 am My little nod to Prince.

Gossip

  • Movie Mays (in Days)

    7/02/09

    Hollywood moves fast. Real fast. And if you’ve had even a pinch of fame during your lifespan, chances are a motion picture production company will be in the works to produce your biopic before you’ve even been buried. So goes the tale of Billy Mays, the pitchman most recognized for his husky/on the verge of [...]

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  • Charts Afire // MJ Memory Fest Proves Pop’s in the Grave

    7/01/09

    Pop musicians got a shock this week when a man who changed the face of their field not only prematurely kicked the bucket, but gave them one final schooling from beyond the grave. Michael Jackson’s music is tearing up the charts and, with much poetic justice, bumping out contemporary pop stars like the Black Eyed [...]

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  • Rick Astley is NEVER Gonna Run Around and Desert You

    6/30/09

    In the days following the death of Michael Jackson, internet hoaxsters have tried their hand at convincing us that famous people are dropping like flies. First there were the Jeff Goldblum rumors, then they told us our beloved Harrison Ford and Britney Spears had gone the way of the dodo.
    Being the astute followers of pop [...]

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  • Pabst: Not Just a Great Beer

    6/30/09

    Forget about purebred pups with pedigrees–This weekend’s top dogshow was all about honoring those canines with mugs that only an owner can love. With gnarly coats, stumpy tails, missing eyes, and scraggly teeth, dogs came from all over the globe to win the coveted title of the World’s Ugliest Dog.

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  • Fate Agrees: Never Stage a Kodak Moment

    6/29/09

    11-Year Old Harvey Kindlon was so close! He managed to get within feet of uber-beauty of the moment Megan Fox at the London premiere of Transformers 2, when his well-documented quest to give her a yellow rose was stymied by the flashbulbs of photo hounds from the UK’s trashiest rags. It seemed all was well [...]

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