Offbeat | Blog.OneRiot.com - Blogging the Pulse of the Web

Comatose Toddler Brings it Back with Disco

5/27/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under International Affairs, Music

Did you know that the earth-shattering music of ABBA is powerful enough to raise the dead? Ok - that’s an exaggeration - but the Swedish Pop group’s tunes can bring children out of a coma.

After suffering a severe case of meningitis and a heart attack, three-year-old Layla Towsey’s fate looked bleak. The English toddler soon fell into a coma and was put on life support. Her mother was even faced with the heart-wrenching task of kissing her daughter goodbye. However, this little dancing queen wasn’t ready to walk into the light. Five days after being completely unconscious, the little girl started emerging from her coma by humming and singing the “Mamma Mia” soundtrack, proving that God is totally into 70’s disco, and that the “tunnel of light” really is more like a lit-up dance floor.

The child had learned the songs after watching last summer’s sing-a-long blockbuster over and over again. Layla slowly regained full consciousness, and has since made a complete recovery. Now close your eyes, think of Divine Intervention, and enjoy the vision of Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep’s smiling faces. Amen.

Tags: ABBA, Offbeat

Venomous Fridge Freezes San Jose Building

5/13/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Because We Feel Like it, Science, US

After the copier and the fax machine, the fridge stands as the most abused office appliance. While the maintenance of every other item shared by co-workers is essential to actual work, it is a brave soul who dares to venture into the pulsing compost heap. Today in San Jose, someone opened Pandora’s box.

The combination odor of decomposing things once delicious filled the entire office, causing a scene that we have creatively re-enacted for your convenience. Finally, someone had the sense to call 911, seeing that it would take trained professionals to contain the carnage. Seven people were carted to to the hospital, The AT&T building was evacuated and a hazmat team was sent in. Upon hearing the news, Marcel Audiffren’s ghost shook his head and said “Not like this…not like this…”

Tags: Appliances, Offbeat

Accidental Parent Swap Turns Out Alright

5/11/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under US

The lives of two Oregon women were proven to be complete shams after they discovered that they were- holy cow- switched at birth! Today both DeeAnn Angell and Kay Rene Reed are 56 years old, their parents deceased, and their chances of going back in time and making things right slimmer than ever, seeing as human technology has not reached that level of advancement.

Angell’s 86-year-old neighbor, somewhat of an local oracle, confirmed that there was a mix-up at the town’s hospital back in ‘53 and remained lucid throughout the account. However, she later made outlandish claims to the press that she is the half-brother of Roberto Mussolini, casting doubt on her credibility. Nevertheless, DNA evidence proved that the two women were - yes, indeed - switched at birth!

Luckily, the two ladies get along and they celebrated their 56th birthday together, laughing, enjoying ice cream cake, and avoiding conversation about their incredibly unorthodox relationship. Kay Rene (whose name rhymes on purpose) publicly announced that anyone who was switched at birth and would like to come forward can reach them at switched@birth.com

Tags: Offbeat, Oregon

Case Closed on Sea Monster Mystery

4/03/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Science

For several months, mysterious ongoings at Britain’s Newquay Blue Reef Aquarium had workers perplexed. Some unseen menace was harming the coral, and had even injured a precious Tang Fish while avoiding traps the staff had laid for it - it was as if something out of the movie the Leviathan or Deep Blue Sea or any number of sea-based thrillers was creeping in on the humble museum. Then on one dark and stormy evening at sea (or tank) they saw it: It was a monster alright.

A giant four foot worm resembling one of the many nemesis of Godzilla himself was the nasty culprit of all of that aquatic destruction, terrorizing fish and wreaking havoc on the reef. The workers braced themselves for the fight of their lives, eventually catching the sucker and making sure that he could no longer hurt their favorite fish. However, rather then throw him back in the sea to elsewhere continue his reign of terror, they stuck him in his own tank and named him “Barry,” cause Barry’s just as good a name as any.

Tags: Ew, Marine Life, Offbeat

Sitting Tipsy: Man Busted for Driving a Chair

3/31/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Because We Feel Like it, US

Unless they involve Lindsay Lohan, DUIs rarely make it to the news; however one non-celebrity made it to the drunk-tank hall-of-shame after wrecking his motorized bar stool. Yes, you read that correctly - motorized bar stool.

Kile Wygle, who was hospitalized for minor injuries, had drank approximately 15 beers and was zooming his little pub friendly go-kart while intoxicated. The 28-year-old Ohio man fashioned the ultimate pub-crawling device by using an old lawnmower, steering wheel, and prime bar seating. The contraption was capable of hauling at a respectable 38 MPH, and was a sure hit among all the Ohio alcoholic women. Police released the 911 tapes of the exchange between a witness and the dispatcher: “I got a friend who wrecked a bar stool,” the caller said. The dispatcher then asked if he fell and hit his head on the bar “Um, no, he was riding the bar stool … a motorized bar stool.” The part of the 911 call not recorded was when the dispatcher gave Kile mad props asked where he can pick up one of his own.

While we never condone drunk driving, we’ve got to give this guy points for creativity. It’s a sweet thing to imagine… a crowded bar, standing room only. The saloon style double doors swing open, and dramatic 80’s music video style fog filters into the room. Behind the wall of smoke, a lone figure’s silhouette emerges in the doorway. There’s a momentary pause and then he zooms his little lawnmower up to the crowded bar and says, “gimme a Bud Light. No wait, I’ll take two.” Badass.

Tags: DUI, Offbeat

Vacuum Taunts Man, Man Rapes Vacuum

3/26/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Because We Feel Like it, US

29-year-old Jason Leroy Savage is learning the hard way that vacuums are to clean with, not get dirty with.

The Saginaw, Michigan resident was reported as the responsible party regarding “suspicious activity” taking place at a local car wash, and the activity in question was Savage’s ravaging of a scum-guzzling appliance with his nether regions. Savage was subsequently arrested on charges on indecent exposure, and recently plead guilty to the charge, drawing a penalty of 90 days in prison.

It has yet to be determined whether or not Savage enjoyed his industrial strength rendezvous, but word is, it didn’t suck.

Tags: Offbeat, Vacuum

Giant Penis Found on Roof

3/25/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Because We Feel Like it

About a year ago, 18 year old Rory McInnes of Hungerford, Berks, Britain, saw a show on TV about how Google Earth lets anyone in the world with a computer zoom in on just about anything (other than Dick Cheney’s house). In light of this discovery, young Rory was inspired to communicate to the world with the platform good fortune had given him, the massive roof of his parents house. His message to the world: check out this huge, oddly proportioned penis.

The penis measured in at about 60 feet. The balls, drawn in clear desperation and sheer lack of space, are each only about 5 feet in diameter, raising questions as to the proper functioning of the organ depicted, be it a scaled up replica or a life-size recreation.

Rory’s father Andy McInnes was informed of the graffiti by The Sun newspaper, which had been informed of its existence by a helicopter pilot who had been flying over. Rory is currently away in Brazil on a ‘gap year,’ some sort of British rite of passage, and will be scrubbing away at his giant penis upon return to the UK.

Tags: Offbeat, Teenagers

On the Aversion of Sharks, Drowning & Other Unfortunate Deaths

1/21/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Because We Feel Like it

While there will always be plenty of guppies in the sea, your chances of spotting two Myanmar fishermen adrift in a large icebox on an ocean seems like something you might encounter a little less frequently than say, Hailey’s Comet. Well get your telescopes ready, as several days ago an Australian Coastal Patrol craft happened upon two 20-something-year-old men afloat in an ice box amidst the man-eating waters of The Torres Strait, between Australia and Papua New Guinea.

The pair of scrod scroungers had been sitting ducks for the ravenous shark population since December 23rd, when their Thai-based vessel capsized during a stormy session off of Australia’s North Coast. The miraculous duo, who made due on rainwater and frozen fish, are thought to be the only two survivors of the shipwreck, due to the fact that if the other seamen weren’t victimized by that whole drowning in the monsoon influenced-waters or being eaten thing, they were most certainly stung by any of Australia’s horribly venomous sea creatures. You know what they say; not everyone is lucky enough to get stuck in an icebox for twenty-five days.

Tags: International News, Offbeat, Sharks

Aussie Woman Kills Husband with Genitals Fire

1/07/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs

A 44-year-old Australian woman is being charged with murder after botching a penis fire that caused injuries leading to her husbands death. The woman, Rajini Narayan, says that she decided to perpetrate the wang arson because she grew jealous after seeing her husband hugging another woman. In a sworn statement to police, the woman stated “I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else.” Narayan is now the proud possessor not only of the burnt penis she so desired, but also of a dead husband and all the associated burial costs.

The woman’s husband was sleeping when she doused his genitals with alcohol and set the area ablaze. He awoke frantically and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, spreading the flames to other items in the room. He appeared less concerned with the family heirloom linens than with his own precious heirloom (zing!), which further angered his wife.

“She’s a bitch. A crazy, penis burning bitch” said the man’s ghost, now sitting on a bench in a park that eternally experiences sunset and where the ducks never poop on the walkway. “I was the laughing stock of purgatory, but who’s laughing now?” When asked if he felt vengeful, the ghost stated “I’m not gonna sink to her level. But I do hope she grows a penis one day and someone sets it on fire.”

Tags: Arson, Australia, Murder, Offbeat

Ur-ine Trouble Now

12/15/08 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Because We Feel Like it

What do you do when you’ve got 15-20 kids egging and bombarding your house with roll after roll of toilet paper? Well, if you’re Scott Wagar of Willmar, Minnesota, you strap on your night vision goggles and fight back. With pee.

Armed with a super-soaker filled with fox urine, Wagar opened fire at the unsuspecting teens, who year after year have been targeting Wagar’s house for TPing. A fox-brew was the piss of choice because “it stinks, but it doesn’t hurt anything” - a sentiment apparently unsupported by the State, who have handed Wager a misdemeanor assault and other charges. Scott has pleaded not-guilty, claiming innocence on the grounds that he was just defending his personal property.

We’d hate to be one of those kids who got sprayed, but we seriously would like to have seen a 50-year- old man creeping around a house with night-vision goggles and a urine-filled squirt gun. Awesome.

Tags: Offbeat, TP

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