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Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

Tweet Seems Like a Good Baby Name

5/01/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip

Republican tech hounds and aerial hunting enthusiasts rejoice, everyone’s favorite Hockey Mom and GILF is heating up tweet streams. That’s right, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is on Twitter and she’s more active than Mount Redoubt. If you’re looking to get all of the latest official state government news, or just want to read about Todd’s latest snow machine race results, following the comely conservative @AKGovSarahPalin is the way to go.

In addition to being a must add for all Alaskans, expectant mothers are encouraged to join up for the former VP’s weekly baby naming recommendation twit bonanza. It’s sure to be a hollerin’ good time. Eat your heart out Ashton and Demi, there’s a new Governor in Tweet Town.

Tags: Politics, Sarah Palin, Twitter

Word Up, Prez: Obama Commits to Simplification of Tax Suckness

4/15/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, US

While most sensible Americans are well prepared for April 15th, there are those of us who find the language on our tax forms daunting, and the amounts extracted from our paychecks undesirable enough to avoid the yearly “Paying of the Taxes” entirely. Likely a result of his being an average American most of his life, President Obama expressed today that he realizes how overcomplicated our tax code is and that he is working towards simplifying it.

Part of his declaration hinted at transparency; simply knowing where your tax dollars are going and having a say in where they should be spent, as outlined in the documents serving as the basis for our nation and every functioning democracy in the world. Certainly, over the past decade or so, oodles of our money have been allocated to efforts we don’t exactly agree with after we’ve already paid the balance. Would you have paid that $200 in federal taxes if you knew it would be used to buy the shifter for an armored humvee or the binoculars for a border patrol guard? Probably not. Here’s another promise, among many, that we like hearing. Let’s hope this trend continues.

Tags: Economy, Obama, Politics

Barbie’s Birthday Marred by Politics

3/04/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Politics, US

Barbie may not look a day over 23, but Mattel’s miniature MILF will turn 50 on March 9th. However, with just five days until the big 5-0, it seems as though the plastic beauty icon could receive her birthday punches a few days early.

Ken’s on-again off-again main squeeze is facing a possible ban in the State of West Virginia thanks in part to Democratic Delegate Jeff Eldridge, who proposed a bill outlawing the collectible playmate for pre-teens. Jeff believes that such toys carry with them a propensity for teaching young girls to place the importance on physical beauty over intelligence and emotional maturity - a characteristic not at all embodied by the other 9,099 things that fill a young girl’s upbringing.

The bill was recently sent to a house judiciary committee where Eldridge expects it to be laughed at despite it’s noble reasoning. Unfortunately, Mattel could not be reached for comment on account of Teen Talk Barbie tying up the phone lines over a Rainbow Princess Barbie clothes-borrowing tiff.

Tags: Barbie, Politics

Obamabitter: McCain Sour Over Barack Promises

2/05/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Politics

In a shocking break from his usual stance, former republican presidential nominee John McCain is accusing Obama’s proposed stimulus legislation of being a ‘bad bill.’ The senator from Arizona has not been heard using that phrase since referring to President Clinton in the mid 90s.

McCain claims that since Obama has taken office, “we have seen major appointments that contradict the very impressive rhetoric” the new president is famous for. Though McCain’s comments could be cast aside as sour grapes after a close election, many are stating that the lack of experience republicans berated Obama about during campaign months may actually have some effect on the implementation of the change he stands for. As Obama-fever subsides, more and more on the left are warming up to the idea that Barack Obama is not a superhero from another planet, as his name might suggest.

The public Obama backlash is taking effect in the wake of scandalettes* involving Obama’s appointees to a couple of cabinet positions. Critics describe the recent issues as evidence that Washington will remain ‘business-as-usual’ despite Obama’s promise of a warmer, fuzzier government that giggles when you tickle it or pay your taxes. While it is much too soon to say whether or not he will be an effective leader, those who have made up their minds are confident that a month of his presidency is quite enough to judge him by.

Tags: John McCain, Obama, Politics

Say it with Sole: The Top 5 Shoes for Political Assault

2/03/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Because We Feel Like it, Politics

If you had told us two months ago that Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi was a global warfare trendsetter we would have never believed you, but since attempting the first shoe-sassination on then President Bush in mid-December, frustrated civilians everywhere are beginning to take up feet against their oppressors.

The latest shoe d’État was carried out by a student at Cambridge University, who attempted to decapitate Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao by flinging his trainer. Luckily for Wen, the sneaker landed a meter from the leader of the Asian Superpower, but not even China can stop commemorative art projects (like this one) from invading international consciousness.

We at OneRiot have put down our pistols, beat our swords into plowshares and replaced our office revolvers with roses. However, with the Koreas on the brink of war, we thought still it would be wise to give you our own global guide to weaponry for this New, er, Shoe World Order. Here’s a list of five fatal footwear choices that are guaranteed to eviscerate your enemy - or at least give him a nasty taste of the black and blues.

1. Baydan- Model 271

Manufactured in Turkey, it’s the shoe the pros throw. If President Bush hadn’t gained so much agility from all of those days clearing brush in Crawford, we’d be referring to this baby as “the shoe heard round the world”.

2. Salvatore Ferragamo Parigi II Moccasin

Casual. Crocodile. Killer. These top of the line Italian-crafted babies may set you back $1,900, but at that price no one will suspect you’ll want them to become state’s evidence.

3. Tory Burch Hamilton Pump

No, Aaron Burr didn’t use this shoe to take out Alexander Hamilton back in the day, but he could’ve. This ones for all feminine freedom fighters and crossdressing commandos out there. Word is the heel gives it boomerang action, so if you miss your target and don’t get tackled you could have a second go-round.

4. Speedo Men’s Hydro Shell XP II Watershoe

Let’s face it, not all of the action is going to take place on land. It’s important to be prepared for water warfare.

5. Lucchese Classic Collection L100

If you’ve got the arm strength - or have wrangled your way into point blank range - these are going to hurt. Bad.

Tags: Politics, Shoes

Franken Takes Minn. Recount, Not Joking

1/06/09 - Posted by Brian Burns under Politics, US

Comedian Al Franken (D) has finally won the Senate seat he’s been seeking. The Minnesota Supreme Court has rejected Sen. Norm Coleman’s lawsuit that 600 previously-rejected absentee ballots be counted, all from Republican-friendly precincts.

Had those ballots been rejected, Franken still would have led Coleman by 225 votes (out of the 2.9 million that were cast), and The Minnesota Canvassing board was expected to declare Franken the winner Monday afternoon by that margin. Coleman can still appeal with a post-election claim, but at least for now, the race seems settled.

For what it’s worth, Franken claimed supremacy before yesterday’s final verdict. “Minnesotans have waited a long time for a winner to be declared in this race, and today, with the last attempt to halt the counting process now having failed, Al Franken will be declared the winner,” said his attorney Marc Elias.

Minnesotans, meanwhile, who are notorious for electing entertainers to public office, are still waiting for it to pay off. Namely, they’re waiting for the once-comedian to start being funny again… to bring a pig onto the Senate floor, or something.

The rest of us are just waiting for someone to take the right to vote away from Minnesotans.

Tags: Al Franken, Minnesota, Politics

5 Reasons Why it Sucks to be Bristol Palin’s Baby

12/29/08 - Posted by Matt Gierhart under Gossip

Bristol Palin just gave birth to a baby boy, and following in her mother’s footsteps she’s gifted the kid with an nontraditional name (Tripp), and thrown in two more for good measure (Easton Mitchell). But it’s too easy to make fun of the Palin clan and their naming conventions; it’s too easy to throw in some ‘you betcha she’s a darn Grammas’; but what we can say is that we hope, we pray that little Tripp finds a way to escape the crazy world he just entered. Let’s make a list of what this kid is going to go deal with:

(1) The pregnancy began as a a political lightning rod that was the first blow to Sarah Palin’s rise to a political celebrity.

(2) He has two crazy Grandmas, one of whom was arrested on drug charges just last week.

(3) Levi himself has just made a career shift to training to be an electrician (previously wanting to go pro in hockey or dirt bikes).

(4) The baby was born in Alaska.

(5) Oh, and then there is the pending wedding between Bristol and Levi (a wedding that even Britney Spear’s little sister wrote wasn’t necessary and a bad idea).

Despite the crazy surrounding Bristol and baby Tripp, the two are said to be perfectly healthy. Gifts have been pouring in from around the world, and we wish all the best to the new family. Just one request: don’t apply for dual citizenship in Russia, Alaska isn’t really that close.

Tags: Bristol Palin, Politics

Bush Opens Up About Personal Addiction

12/12/08 - Posted by Brian Burns under OneRiot News

In a rare candid moment at the White House, President George W. Bush opened up on some of his past struggles with alcohol and drug abuse. The revelations came during a White House meeting to address the “War on Drugs.”

14 leaders in drug prevention, treatment, and interdiction programs across the country were in attendance, including Don Coyhis of Colorado Springs, Colorado, who runs a program targeting Native Americans battling substance abuse. Coyhis, like many others there, is a recovered addict himself. “Congratulations on 30 years of sobriety,” President Bush told him. “I’m eight years behind you.”

President Bush also reported that according to a new study, teen drug abuse has dropped 25 percent since he took office in 2001. Questionable statistic aside (at least if my 17 year-old cousin is any indication), that’s certainly some encouraging progress. And just as much, it’s encouraging progress to hear Bush speaking candidly on something he obviously feels strongly about.

So perhaps if Bush’s legacy is tainted by alarming incompetency and that little scrub-up in the Middle East (and darn, it sure is looking that way), we can still remember him fondly for the little pieces of the compassionate conservatism that he once promised.

Tags: Politics, War on Drugs

Being Rod Blagojevich

12/11/08 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under OneRiot News, Politics

Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich’s recent corruption charges have gone all national newsy, and now even president-elect Barack Obama has joined the ranks of dissenting policy-makers.

Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan is assembling her army of litigators and is “prepared to take action” if Blagojevich does not start moving his sh*t out of the governor’s mansion. A number of other state employees with clout have passive-aggressively demanded that the crooked dude get his butt out of office, including heir apparent Pat Quinn, who suggested on NBC’s Today Show that “If the governor doesn’t act he will be impeached.” In addition to Illinois’ internal tension, outward pressure is adding up thanks to a letter signed by all 50 members of the Democratic Caucus demanding Blagojevich’s step down.

On a related note, it seems that son of civil rights maven Jesse Jackson could somehow be involved with the scandal, yet Jackson Junior’s rebuttal to such claims was as eloquent as if it were said by his convincingly articulate father: “I reject and denounce pay-to-play politics and have no involvement whatsoever in any wrongdoing.” Good enough for me.

Tags: Blagojevich, Chicago, Obama, Politics

US Economy Channels The 70’s

12/05/08 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy

Every thing old is new again– just ask retro-rocker Lenny Kravitz, who has made a career out of channeling the 1970’s. But Lenny’s not the only one putting the yes back in yesterday, as the entire work force of the United States is now going for that that 1974 look. No, they’re not putting on bell-bottoms and listening to The Guess Who on their way to the office … but they are out of their jobs in record numbers.

The 533,000 positions slashed this past November matched the largest one-month employment massacre in the U.S. since the final month of 1974, when 603,000 jobs disappeared into the economic abyss. In accordance with the eleven consecutive months of declining employment, the jobless rate now sits at 6.7%, the highest it’s been since 1994. Reacting to the news, President-elect Obama declared that things would get worse before they get better, but he also sees this as “… an opportunity to transform our economy to improve the lives of ordinary people by rebuilding roads and modernizing schools for our children.” And if that doesn’t happen, we can all take solace in knowing that the life of a boxcar hobo can be quite adventurous.

Tags: Barack Obama, Economy, Politics, Unemployment

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