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Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

Chris Matthews Wants to Play Hardball IRL

12/05/08 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Politics

MSNBC’s resident ‘Chatty Kathy’ Chris Matthews is considering leaving the news-reporting business and making his way into the news-making game by running for senate. Philadelphia native would potentially pass on a contract renewal with NBC and pursue the seat currently held by PA democrat Arlen Spectre. Spectre was eating breakfast when reached for comment and stated “Wait…what!?”

Matthews, being an old school Philly head and a favorite son of Pennsylvania, may certainly have a shot at entering politics, but will certainly be missed as a host and regular analyst. His rambling ways and generally Pro-Bama stance carried many a concerned democrat through the months preceding this years nail-biting presidential contest. Matthews also had an impact by uncovering some questionable campaign tactics when he hosted Michelle Bachmann on his show, who called for a media witch hunt to ostracize left-leaning members of congress, a suggestion both parties agreed was “kind of a regressive idea.”

The decision regarding a replacement for host as respected as Matthews weighs heavily on the network. A successful host will have to have not only a deep understanding of the political process, but also the social skills to carry discussion with a variety of personality types. Hardball producers are considering Contessa Brewer and Tim Russert’s ghost for hosting the show.

Fraud, Bribery Illegal in Birmingham: Who Knew?

12/02/08 - Posted by Matt Gierhart under Politics, US

On Monday, the FBI arrested the mayor of Birmingham, Alabama on 101 counts of conspiracy, bribery, fraud, money laundering and filing false income tax returns. The mayor’s staff and citizens of Birmingham are in shock, primarily because everyone thought conspiracy, bribery, fraud, money laundering and filing false income tax returns in Birmingham was legal. It isn’t.

Larry Langford served in public office for more than a decade (you may remember him for his work on Alabama’s theme park Visionary Land). For the price of a few public office positions and some legislation he was able to score a couple trips to New York for some fancy clothes and watches, canceling a few high, high dollar personal loans and a few business deals raking up $7.1 million. I’ll bet he scored the clothes and watches before arranging the personal loans to be paid off; it just makes sense for a roller like Langford.

The mayor’s office provided a legal press release stating that the mayor will be glad to get his day in court, but has a city to run in the meantime. For those of you who don’t speak PR, that translates to “Oh shit.”

President Co-bama

11/26/08 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Politics

In preparation for his taking office, President-elect Obama is showing an effort to participate in policy-making during the last days of the George W. Bush era.

In a statement given by Bush Monday after a meeting with Henry Paulson, the president mentioned that Obama and his economic team would be informed and consulted in regard to any major decision made during the current administration’s remaining time in power. This was less than two hours before Obama presented the public with his economic team, which included New York Federal Reserve President Timothy Geithner, head of the Congressional Budget Office Peter Orszag, Community Chest coordinator Rich Uncle Pennybags, and millionaire Bruce Wayne.

Experts say that incentives for this ‘un-presidented’ (sorry) cooperation lie on both sides of the table. The damaged image of Bush’s legacy may very well be somewhat repaired as a result of the early success of Obama policies. Obama will benefit by easing his transition into office, ensuring that he can his administration can hit the ground running in January, and making sure Bush doesn’t steal any office supplies upon his departure.

Bush Grants Pardons, Spends Rest of Day Staring into Space

11/25/08 - Posted by Brian Burns under Politics

President Gorge W. Bush, looking for fun things to do until January 20th, pardoned 14 people yesterday, commuting the sentences of 2 others.

The list does not include any big names, such as sprinter Marion Jones, junk bond dealer Michael Milken, former Representative Randy “Duke” Cunningham, or four-term Democratic Louisiana Gov. Edwin W. Edwards — all of whom are asking for pardons. But it did contain some fun ones, most notably a man convicted of unauthorized acquisition of food stamps; a man who unknowingly killed three bald eagles with misplaced pesticides; a couple dudes with a lot of drugs; and my personal favorite, a man convicted of “making false statements to the federal government.” Yeah, Bush can sooo relate to that.

Still unclear is whether or not President Bush will give preemptive pardons to those involved in handling (read: torturing) suspected terrorists after September 11th. It would give these officials criminal immunity in the rare case that Obama conducts investigations once he takes office, and would be a controversial move among constitutional scholars and human rights groups, even for Bush.

Mukasey Passes Out, Passes Tests, Peaces Out of Hospital

11/21/08 - Posted by Brian Burns under US

Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey collapsed last night during a speech at the Federalist Society’s annual dinner at a northwest Washington hotel. Reportedly, Mukasey was visibly shaking, started to slur his words, then collapsed into the arms of a man nearby. The dinner’s attendees blocked him from cameras view until he was rushed off to the hospital.

Mukasey was given a clean bill of health near midnight EST, and was released from the hospital at 7am this morning. A Justice Department spokeswoman, Gina Talamona, said that “The results are in. Everything looks great… he’s in good shape.” Talamona went on to say that “there’s no indication that he suffered a stroke or any heart-related incident. It really appears to be a fainting spell.” We’re glad.

Now that he’s feeling better, Mukasey can go back to writing warnings on cigarette packs, pissing off anyone who wants to give civil rights to suspected terrorists, and counting the days until he’s no longer responsible for the most unlawful administration since Nixon.

Notorious Boner Apologizes

11/21/08 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Gossip, Politics

While most Americans don’t often find the need to apologize for doing their jobs right, one starry-eyed escort found that her talents led her to the painful truth that she had hurt someone’s feelings.

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, who notoriously boned former New York governor Eliot Spitzer, says that the day she realized that her client was resigning due to the discovery of their liaison, she felt remorse for the pain experienced by Spitzer’s wife Silda. This prompted an apology from the Spring-2008-famous call-girl: “I’m sorry for your pain.” She offered no apology for the pain inflicted on the former governor himself, which was apparently requested specifically during their encounters.

In elaborating on her meetings with Spitzer, Dupre said that he was not interested in conversation, unlike her other clients who found her perspectives on literature, philosophy and current events to be fascinating. She described him as “strictly business,” treating the experience as a transaction and Dupre as somewhat of an object, to the prostitute’s surprise and dismay. Little other detail was offered by Dupre except that Spitzer dressed casually apart from a sash bearing the word ‘Governor,’ which he refused to take off.

Dupre has decided to leave her career as a lady of the evening, and plans on making a smooth transition into music, fashion, and “writing books,” which publishers are already speculating will top best-seller lists in the high-profile-prostitute-politician-encounter-tell-all genre upon release.

(More) Tough Times Ahead for Palin

11/20/08 - Posted by Brian Burns under Science, US

Sarah Palin stumbled triumphantly onto the national political scene last September, when she was tabbed as John McCain’s running mate. Now, after a humbling November defeat, she’s back to being just Governor. And if trying to bring life to the Republican campaign wasn’t impossible enough, Palin is returning to tough times in Alaska.

The state budget is due in one month, and it comes at a time when the Alaskan economy is suffering under tanked oil prices. Then, of course, Palin has to facilitate further construction on her natural gas pipeline, and dodge further wrongdoing in the TrooperGate case, all within a local political culture where her fiery right-wing campaign rhetoric has turned away the democrats with whom she created her celebrated bipartisan record.

This past year, Sarah Palin proved that a history of small-town politics can be detrimental in a national campaign. In the next few months, she may also prove the opposite. And to make matters even worse, it’s coming on winter in Alaska, where it gets darker and colder than any hell elsewhere in the US (nevermind most of Canada). In such tough times, what would a maverick do?

This just in: Sarah Palin is Secretly Not a Genius. Good. We’re glad to know for sure. Now what would we do without the Internets?

Bush Taking Final Bushwhacks

11/19/08 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Politics, US

In a last-minute attempt to inject a dose of religious values into the throbbing vein of America’s healthcare system before its inevitable revamping, the Bush administration has proposed a rule that would protect healthcare workers who refuse to aid in sterilization and abortion procedures because of their religious values. Additionally, it would prevent healthcare institutions from requiring the faithful to do anything that God would frown upon, including termination of pregnancy, jeopardizing the survival of the unborn, and coveting thy neighbor’s wife.

Representatives from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission oppose the rule, claiming that the protection of employees religious beliefs are covered in Title VII of the Civil Rights act of 1964 and that no additional provisions are required, unless of course the goal is not the protection of employee rights but rather to further the influence of dominant monotheistic belief on the everyday lives of Americans who like to make personal decisions for themselves.

President-elect Obama has said that the proposed rule would be an obstacle to women attempting to receive reproductive health services. This sentiment was echoed by the National Association of Chain Drug Stores, who believe the rule may lead to patients being refused contraceptive products by religious employees who think everyone should do it the old fashioned way. A representative of the association noted that buying condoms at a pharmacy is awkward enough without the theological debate that would almost certainly ensue.

Hey, Al Franken Might Actually Win

11/18/08 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Politics, US

Al Franken has a decent chance of passing Sen. Norm Coleman during the upcoming recount, thinks Professor Michael C. Herron of Dartmouth College.

“If someone put a gun to my head and said, ‘You have to bet,’ I would bet Franken,” Herron stated, “It won’t be a wipe-out. Two hundred votes is effectively tied. We just know that, in this case, Democrats tend to [screw up their ballots] more often [than Republicans].”

Well, we’re not pointing any guns– but on the subject of Democrats– we aren’t quite sure where that “sucky ballot skill bias” comes into play. HOWEVER (however), had the voting system in CO been like it was in Minnesota (where voters had to fill in the circle next to the name of the candidate they supported, as opposed to mark an “x” through it, or cross out names of the people they didn’t like, or circle the name of the one they did, or doodle on the parts of the ballot they didn’t really care about), we would have had SAT flashbacks and gone rogue too.

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Gossip

  • Renaming Mel Gibson’s Octo-Spawn

    11/03/09

    The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
    The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
    Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]

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  • Jackson Biography Draws the Attention of Hollywood & Interweb

    10/28/09

    In a triumphant posthumous return to the trending topics, Michael Jackson reared his beautifully-singing head on the social web when chatter about the release of his film biography reminded everyone just how influential his passing was. The new picture documents the life of the icon, along with (very) recent footage of Jackson prepping for his [...]

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  • With Great Power Comes Great Twesponsibility

    10/15/09

    Last night, thousands of status updates were sent out into the Twittersphere by concerned individuals who believed they were passing on an Amber Alert for a three year old boy. Descriptions of the perp’s Mitsubishi Eclipse and license plate spread like wildfire, and #98B351 quickly became a trending topic. Not long after, celebrity @KhloeKardashian retweeted [...]

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  • Jon and Kate Plus Eight Minus Jon

    9/29/09

    Bad news, Ed Hardy fans: it’s been scientifically (read: conditionally) proven (read: suggested) that wearing the brand 24/7 will ruin your career. At least, that’s what it—coupled with a series of other bad decisions—did for Jon Gosselin. The horrific fashion victim, best known for his appearances on the reality program Jon and Kate Plus [...]

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  • Imma Let U Finish But Kim Was the Most Famous Kardashian of ALL TIME

    9/24/09

    It’s kind of unfair: pro basketball players are typically ginormous, but they’re always hanging out with diminutive cheerleaders, models and actresses. While we fully support the concept of giving the spoils to the victors (did you see our sweet news coverage, by the way?), it’s nice to know that at least one monolithic baller is [...]

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