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Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Frank and Anita, (Still) Sitting in a Tree

5/28/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under OneRiot News

Based on the amount of sleep we typically get, it’s unlikely that anyone at the OneRiot offices will live to see age 81 - so it’s all the more incredible that a London couple celebrated their 81st wedding anniversary this week.

Frank and Anita Milford met at a YMCA singles mixer and tied the knot on May 28, 1928; and although they attest to a (unthinkably) long and happy marriage, the key to their nuptial success is attributed to moderate fighting. Not to go out on a limb—or gross anybody out—but we think all that means is that while the Milfords are six years behind the world record for longest marriage,* they’re probably frontrunners for the record of best makeup sex in history.

*The record for longest marriage is 87 years, held by Sir Temulji Bhicaji Nariman and Lady Nariman of India. They were married from 1853 to 1940.

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Nothing Trashy ‘Bout a Fifth Wedding

5/11/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under Gossip

No, Heidi and Seal have not lost their money in a Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme or decided to live an alternative lifestyle. The couple said “I do,” again this weekend for the fifth time in four years of marriage with an elegant and classy ”retro” hillbilly ceremony. They also added in a dash of paranoia, normally holding their anniversary at the Mexican resort where they originally tied the knot, but decided “against it this year due to the outbreak of Swine flu,” according to Arizona Central.

After more than just a world record for most wedding vow renewals, the couple are clearly seeking the coveted nonexistent award for most annoying theme. And hey, we won’t argue that they didn’t peg it with their costumes.  Seal donned a mullet wig and studded American flag jacket, while the pregnant Heidi managed to look good in corn rows and a lace and sequin top. Plastic sting lights and plastic pink flamingos, the heralded mascots of all trailer parks, set the scene, as an Elvis impersonator officiated. 
Those who live in certain parts of Texas are thrilled to now be able to say they are modeling their own ceremonies after a celebrity couple, but let’s hope this doesn’t become too big of a trend. 

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Craigslist Killer’s Fiance Has Sweet Dumbness About Her

4/28/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip, US

We’re not sure if Megan McAllister is a big Tammy Wynette fan, but by the way she’s been sticking by her fiancé, accused Craigslist killer Phillip Markoff, it’s very likely she’s been listening to the late country star’s rendition of “Stand By Your Man” on a loop since the news broke of her groom-to-be’s allegedly murderous ways.

Despite police finding pretty damning evidence of the suspect’s involvement with the victims, Ms. McAllister and her family still see her significant other as a loving and caring person - even though casual encounters section of craigslist and the foreign panty objects in his apartment certainly beg to differ. Perhaps after she listens to Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” she’ll feel differently. Nonetheless, Megan remains committed, at least until her man is committed.

Meanwhile, the Bruce Springsteen cover band slated to play at the couple’s wedding has confirmed the cancellation of their August Jersey Shore nuptials, totally bailing out the lead singer from having to make awkward wedding day banter regarding how they connected with the groom.

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Spiedi Hold a Press Wedding

4/27/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip

It’s offish: reality TV whores and likely spawns of Satan, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are hitched. Again.

A dark and ominous cloud descended over Southern California around 2pm on Saturday as 300 guests watched the pair re-tie the knot at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena. People Magazine shared further details about the ceremony; but really, if you have to hear them, just go away. One standout detail: Heidi wore white to signify, um, her purity. Hm.

We don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but let’s just say there’s a growing pool going around the OneRiot offices. Bets are based on the time it takes Speidi to either a) get divorced (once privately, once in front of photographers); or B) be smote by God in a publicly broadcast, freak lightning storm. I’m going all in on B. Come on, God!

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Tying the Knot For the Nookie

4/23/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip

In a shocking declaration of media relevance, People.com is reporting that Fred Durst is engaged to be married. The publication is trumpeting the news that the backwards hat wearing Limp Bizkit frontman will be breaking something alright. Once he ties the knot with his fiancee Esther Nazarov, he’ll be breaking the hearts of all of those lusty ladies who one day hoped to bed the immature adolescent anthem author.

The couple’s nuptials are tentatively slated for July and prospective guests are encouraged to get something to eat prior to arriving at the reception, as the entire edible contents of cocktail hour will most likely consist of chocolate starfish and hot dog flavored water.

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Break Out the Communication Cuffs

3/24/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Gossip, US

Ladies, what do you do when you’ve got a bone to pick with your husband, and he isn’t interested in a thing you’re saying? Well, if you’re Helen Sun, you do the obvious thing and handcuff yourself to him. Then the bastard will have nowhere to run.

But the 37-year-old Connecticut woman didn’t stop at the handcuffs - she changed the locks on the bedroom to keep him from going anywhere, then proceeded to bite him repeatedly on the torso and arms. Robert Drowbough, obviously in pain after waking up to teeth in his flesh, used his cellphone to call the cops. The police arrived to their Fairfield home to the screams coming from the bedroom (and not the good kind). Robert was taken to the hospital to treat his wounds, and while authorities haven’t released whether wifey Helen was arrested, we think it’s a safe bet that she’ll be starring in SkinAMax’s new hit “Really Desperate Housewives”

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You Go, Guy

11/21/08 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip

This is the story of a stand-up dude, and a lesson for wedded embezzlers the world over. After what seems like the longest two-week divorce settlement in history, director Guy Ritchie is finally free from the clutches of his skeletal, Kabbalah-banging pop tart of an ex-wife, Madonna.

Amid rumors of the material girl’s torrid affair with superjock Alex Rodriguez, speculation surrounding Ritchie’s integrity as a man had many—including gay icon Madge herself—believing that his intentions in ending the marriage were financial, but this British badass put his proverbial middle finger in the air and said ‘thanks, but no thanks’ to the millions lawfully entitled to him in the settlement.

Perhaps in an effort to bury the hatchet and prove himself more than just another lowly gold digger, Richie walked with his own earnings and made sure to demand no less than joint custody over the couple’s three children. It appears that for the time being, Lourdes (12), Rocco (8) and David (3) will do a lot of jet-setting between New York and London under an amicable joint custody agreement. Side note: we can’t wait until their socialite status is realized.

The only question left is this: if the parents split custody, which one gets which half of Lourdes’ unibrow? ZING!

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Gossip

  • Johnny Depp Brings the Sex

    11/18/09

    The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine.  But is he man enough for this title?
    The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp
    I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the [...]

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  • Appropriate Publicity Techniques

    11/12/09

    The Story: Carrie Prejean became extremely flustered while on-air with Larry King.  OneRiot breaks down her interviewing tactics, and helps her further her public speaking skills.

    The Search: Larry King & Carrie Prejean
    With all the pseudo-celebrities emerging over the past decade or so, we at OneRiot have grown increasingly concerned that people are getting famous for [...]

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  • The Galactic Search for Love

    11/11/09

    The Story: Diaper-wearing Astronaut Lisa Nowak was sentenced today for her cross-country crime.  OneRiot casts the movie featuring the out of this world love triangle.
    The Search: Lisa Nowak Sentence
    Astronaut love is not like regular person love. Maybe that’s why the 2004 story of Lisa Nowak and the space-love triangle that caused her to drive 1000 [...]

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  • Renaming Mel Gibson’s Octo-Spawn

    11/03/09

    The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
    The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
    Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]

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  • Jackson Biography Draws the Attention of Hollywood & Interweb

    10/28/09

    In a triumphant posthumous return to the trending topics, Michael Jackson reared his beautifully-singing head on the social web when chatter about the release of his film biography reminded everyone just how influential his passing was. The new picture documents the life of the icon, along with (very) recent footage of Jackson prepping for his [...]

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