A recent study—coupled with the untimely murder of a pro-choice physician—is causing a serious fracas within the religious community today. Sociologists at New York’s John Jay College have discovered that unwed women who get knocked up are more likely to get a shmashmortion (at the shmashmortion clinic) if they’ve been educated at a religious school.
Facebook sinners, prepare to saddled with massive amounts of Catholic guilt for all of your social networking indiscretions. While you previously only had to answer to your stalker friends who might be inclined to comment on every damnable offense apparent in your profile photos, now you’ll have to answer to a much higher power: His Holiness.
That’s right, el Popo is on Facebook - and he wants to be your friend. While some of the Catholic Church’s policies might be rooted as far back as the 1st century, that doesn’t mean they’re unable to bring religion coasting into the Twenty First with a hot new application. The Pope2You page allows users to send their friends and enemies virtual postcards with photos of the Pope Benedict XVI staring directly at them. If this doesn’t get them running to confession, at least it’ll be a fun tool to use to let your roommate know that you’re well aware of his solo indulgence in the pleasures of the flesh the previous evening. That’ll be “two Hail Marys” and three “our fathers.” Sinner.
The 150th anniversary of one of the world’s juiciest, most controversial and most significant scientific theories is upon us, and in keeping with the traditional way of celebrating huge chunks of time, the event will be marked by a conference. However, the host of this particular conference is an unlikely one, as the cause of the celebration is the theory of evolution - and the host is God City.
The subject of the conference is the compatibility of evolution and creation, and the goal is to pursue new ways for the two to hold hands (and fins, and all of the things in between). To offer up this local (aka, the Vatican) as home base for these thoughts marks an interesting move by the Catholic Church, who is more traditionally known for looking to the lawbooks than the future. However, this is not the first time that a world religion has elected to re-evaluate its foundation, generally to the enormous benefit of the world at large. So pull on that superhero suit (because you won’t be going to hell for it anymore) - here’s a list of our all-time favorite religious retractions.
According to Deuteronomy, if a man gets into a brawl and his wife jumps in the mix, she better be careful where she directs her defense. If one hand goes astray - specifically towards the genital area - it gets cut off (”and no pity shall be shown her”). These days, girls can fight as dirty as they like - which is good, otherwise I’d be writing with my feet.
The thought of restricting the number of munchkins crawling around our planet used to send shivers down religioso’s spines, but thanks to a few movers and shakers the world’s population is increasing at a somewhat less disturbing rate. Catholics aren’t on board yet, but their teachings on natural family planning draw snickers even internally, so here’s hoping they’re next. Meanwhile, the rest of the world will just keep popping these baby blockers like our lives depend on it. No, really - they do.
Not to downplay the gloom of an 8×8 cell (or the company typically found inside it) but we’re happy as hell that the old ways of sending us to Satan’s arms have just about expired. Death by fire? Chopping block? Lion’s den? Far less common, thank God (except, we hear, in New York). Not to mention that the number of reasons for a fair stoning have decreased significantly; for instance, us ladies don’t have to get murdered if we don’t want to marry the guy that raped us. Nice, huh?
Back in bible times, God’s children were discouraged from wearing clothing made of two blended fabrics. Translate this into modern day, and you can smooch your lycra, rain gear and that one-piece spandex bodysuit goodbye. There was never a good explanation for this rule, but it could have had something to do with demons’ preferences for flame-retardant clothing.
This one’s debatable, but most men are actually relieved that they’re only allowed have one wife. Of course we’ve our rebels in the western deserts, but in general the deactivation of the harem has kept schedules open and sleep patterns stable. Additionally, alongside birth control, this government-enforced revision has the added benefit of supporting population stability. Water for everyone!
Inconsistency got you down? Don’t worry, there are a few solid examples of biblical rules that have stood the test of time. For instance, having sex with goat used to be intensely looked down upon. Thousands of years later, it’s still not in your best interest. Pray on, PETA!
There’s nothing like a little smut to drive participation within the Catholic Church. Citing a decline in confessions over the past several years, the Vatican decided to open the doors to one of its most secretive tribunals, known for playing host to the confessions of sins so vile and despicable that only the Pope can grant absolution.
For two days, the “tribunal of conscience” was opened to the [Catholic] public, something that many of the Vatican’s prominent cardinals believe will reinvigorate faith amongst acting Catholics, and increase church attendance at the same time. Coincidentally, this reminds me of the old saying, ’sex sells.’
The Vatican’s number two man, cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, told reporters that “Today it seems as though the sense of sin has been forgotten.” That might have something to do with the ambiguity of sins, but who really knows.
Now, I don’t want to suggest that the hierarchy of Catholic sins is by any means downright silly, but you may be surprised to hear that things like spitting out the sacramental wine at communion—referred to as ‘defiling the Eucharist’—is considered a pope-worthy sin, but genocide is simply handled on the local level by any priest or bishop. Huh?
Yesterday, a bald, tattooed man pulled up to the Scientology celebrity center in LA in a red convertible, then approached the building with two samurai swords. Two privately hired security guards asked the armed ninja to back down, but the ninja did not, so when he was in range of injuring the guards they were forced to fire upon him. He died.
That is the story being reported, however; we all know that there is always more to the story when it comes to Scientology. Therefor, we can’t rule out the possibility that the bald man was actually in search of a dual to the decapitation with the not-dead body of L. Ron Hubbard for an intergalactic dual of immortals challenging each other for a quest of being the only immortal in the galaxy.
The sword caring attacker was reported to have been a member of the church, but had no recent relationship to the church. Thus far no major publications are investigating the possibility of Scientology really just being a cover up for an elite game between immortals. As usual, no response from the official Scientology camp on the death of samurai warrior or Scientology’s connection to the plot of Highlander.
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The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
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As of Thursday morning, OneRiot will be playing host to a new challenge - one that will answer a question we’ve been itching to address: What does the realtime web look like?
The rules to the challenge are simple: Use OneRiot’s API to create a data visualization of the realtime web, using the stream(s) of info [...]
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