50 million retirees will march to their mailbox in the coming few weeks, perhaps assisted by a cane or live in nurse, and discover their advancing years and jobless state have brought them a sweet, sweet gift from the caring pockets of the United States Government.

Their present, a check for two hundred and fifty smackeroos, will be aimed at providing the US economy with a nice little boost at the hands of spend-happy seniors. So what does the government expect will come of this massive doling out? Well, one theory is that this is all an attempt to bailout makers of Fix-o-dent and Ensure in one fell swoop, but we think it’s all part of a more ingenious plan.

By supplying the elderly with monetary stimulus, grandchildren around the nation will be moved to suck up to their parent’s parents in the hopes of receiving a little bit of loot. They’ll have to use the phone since the elderly don’t know how to use computers, thereby providing a boost to the national telecommunications providers. Newly armed with checks in the range of 83 cents to $50, these most ravenous of youthful consumers will purchase everything from the latest Hannah Montana dolls to the hottest new Sony Playstation3 games made overseas, thereby siphoning heaps of cash into the global toy market, which will in turn put America’s money right back where it belongs: in Japan. Global Economic crisis averted (GObama).