If you had told us two months ago that Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi was a global warfare trendsetter we would have never believed you, but since attempting the first shoe-sassination on then President Bush in mid-December, frustrated civilians everywhere are beginning to take up feet against their oppressors.
The latest shoe d’État was carried out by a student at Cambridge University, who attempted to decapitate Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao by flinging his trainer. Luckily for Wen, the sneaker landed a meter from the leader of the Asian Superpower, but not even China can stop commemorative art projects (like this one) from invading international consciousness.
We at OneRiot have put down our pistols, beat our swords into plowshares and replaced our office revolvers with roses. However, with the Koreas on the brink of war, we thought still it would be wise to give you our own global guide to weaponry for this New, er, Shoe World Order. Here’s a list of five fatal footwear choices that are guaranteed to eviscerate your enemy - or at least give him a nasty taste of the black and blues.
1. Baydan- Model 271
Manufactured in Turkey, it’s the shoe the pros throw. If President Bush hadn’t gained so much agility from all of those days clearing brush in Crawford, we’d be referring to this baby as “the shoe heard round the world”.
2. Salvatore Ferragamo Parigi II Moccasin
Casual. Crocodile. Killer. These top of the line Italian-crafted babies may set you back $1,900, but at that price no one will suspect you’ll want them to become state’s evidence.
3. Tory Burch Hamilton Pump
No, Aaron Burr didn’t use this shoe to take out Alexander Hamilton back in the day, but he could’ve. This ones for all feminine freedom fighters and crossdressing commandos out there. Word is the heel gives it boomerang action, so if you miss your target and don’t get tackled you could have a second go-round.
4. Speedo Men’s Hydro Shell XP II Watershoe
Let’s face it, not all of the action is going to take place on land. It’s important to be prepared for water warfare.
5. Lucchese Classic Collection L100
If you’ve got the arm strength - or have wrangled your way into point blank range - these are going to hurt. Bad.
Buddy Up