Search the realtime web - the news, stories and videos people are talking about right now.

Posts Tagged ‘Sports’

Philly Phanaticism

10/29/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Sports

picture-2514

It’s fall in Philadelphia, and this year, it’s special.  The Phillies get a chance to beat New York at their own game (baseball, invented in Cooperstown, NY in 1839). Last year’s World Series victory saw an uproarious city with a reason to celebrate violently, and that they did. As a city not used to such occasions, there were some disastrous outcomes, mainly for Robinson’s Luggage at Broad and Walnut, the only store in downtown Philly to be looted that night (people just wanted quality suitcases…for free). A day before this year’s NL championship game, the city had workers grease up all the poles along South Broad St. This cartoonish precaution was taken as an honest attempt to protect Philadelphians from themselves. (more…)

Tags: , , ,

Iron Nun Puts the Tri- in Trinity

5/28/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Sports, US

While men and women of the cloth usually bolster hope and faith in the members of the communities they serve, one nun is taking the fun out of sports for triathletes all over America. Sister Madonna Buder, a 78-year-old nun with more than half a century of experience serving the Lord, is a sporting menace. Realizing her skill for running and subsequently biking and swimming at the age of 52, Sister Buder has been dominating triathlons for 20 plus years.

Though young non-athletes find her drive inspiring, her competitors see things differently. “She’s ruining it for all us young guys” said Brent Lancewood, a three time Ironman champion who lost the last three races to the tenacious sister. “I shudder before every race against her. She’s a damn beast.” Many of the athletes complain that Sister Buder is ungracious in her competitive nature. Several have come forward with allegations of extreme hazing. “She hit me with a ruler one time” said an anonymous cyclist.

For now, there appears to be no end in sight to Sister Buder’s commanding stamina. No official dares reprimand her and none of her competitors have what it takes in the game - it’s almost like she has God on her side. Angels at her back. “Insert supportive religious cliche here.”

Tags: ,

Favre: He’s Baaaack (Agaaaain)

5/18/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under OneRiot News

The man with the world’s most diluting ego, Brett Favre, has announced that he will indeed return from retirement for a third time. This year, the story goes like this: Favre’s doctor has advised him to get reconstructive orthopedic surgery on his throwing arm, and consider finding a condo in Minneapolis once the procedure is finished.

Of course, the one thing everyone knows about Brett Favre today is that he does not process anything in a way that any normal person would, but rather through the eyes of a man who does not understand the concept of ‘going out on top.’ Thus, the likelihood that Favre will don a Vikings jersey this year is increasing quite quickly…we just hope the old man has enough gas left in the tank to put it on every Sunday!

Tags: , ,

Kournikova Teaches Kids How to Get Physical

5/18/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under OneRiot News

After most likely suffering through thousands of incidents at autograph signings in which creepy old men shared the fact that they had kept a close eye on her “career” since she was 14, former Tennis “great” Anna Kournikova has began playing towards a new audience.  While the Russian beauty is still getting physical, she’s not doing so in a bathroom stall with Enrique Iglesias, instead the ravishing racquet slinger turned cover girl is now serving in a new role as health conscious role model to  youth set.  The two-time grand slam doubles champion has been working with the Boys and Girls Clubs of America and most recently with Cartoon Network’s “Get Animated” initiative to help kids kick their addiction to the boob tube and laziness and get them more involved with sports activities.  Word is she’s also inadvertently helping many of the male children become painfully aware of the lack of reward that stems from going out of your way to impress a pretty girl who is way out of your league.

Tags: ,

Madden Hails a Sunset Cruiser

4/16/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Sports, US

An era of American sports came to an end today as John Madden announced the riding of his Maddencruiser off into the sunset. The beefy broadcast legend was last seen spouting cliches culled from his video game, and endlessly praising Brett Favre during NBC’s broadcast of Super Bowl XLIII.

Without Madden’s voice filling the airwaves on Sunday and Monday nights, football fans will be left with an empty void - the one where that 6-legged Thanksgiving turkey and burly voice telling us when it “pays to have a lot of big meaty guys on the goal line” used to live. Two questions remain: who will provide the color and onomatopoeic telestrator flourishes for Al Michaels now, and what will become of Frank Caliendo’s career?

Tags: ,

Dwayne Wade Gives Good Presents

12/27/08 - Posted by Brian Burns under Sports, US

Dwayne Wade, Miami Heat Guard and NBA MVP frontrunner is really, really good-looking (so say the ladies). Apparently, he’s also a really, really nice guy. D-Wade just handed the keys to a brand new house over to Dawn Smith, a South Florida woman whose house burned to ground only days before Christmas. All her possessions were inside.

Wade not only hooked Dawn up with a new place, but threw in some furnishings, clothing and gifts too… all to make an otherwise bummer of a Christmas that much better. Wade’s foundation - Wade’s World - will make the payments on the house until Dawn can take over, or until it gets foreclosed.

“[The house is] a big-time relief,” Smith said, beside herself. “Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Oh, God, thank you so much.” Apparently, in her rush to thank God, she forgot the guy who actually bought it, and gave it to her. The hot-bodied baller-turned sweetie didn’t seem fazed though. “Hopefully, you’ll like it,” he said.

Tags: , ,

Burress Protects Himself, Wrecks Himself

12/01/08 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Sports

New York Football Giants star Plaxico Burress acidentally shot himself in the leg Saturday while fumbling for a handgun which broke away from his waistline, ran a fly route down right pant-leg, and was stopped just shy of the knee line.

Burress, who was accompanied on his night out by teammate Antonio Pierce, tried to get into Manhattan’s LQ nightclub but was having a hard time persuading the bouncer to make an exception to the club’s “No Concealed Weapons” policy. Plaxico was adorned in jewels suitable for any Superbowl winning touchdown reciever, and claimed he needed the firearm to protect himself inside the club, which featured a LatAsian (Latin + Asian) theme, a relaxing lounge area, and iPod mixing sensation ‘Bongo’ Benito Sandoval. He was finally allowed in, an accomplishment he celebrated with several drinks. Later, as he was being led into a VIP area, he fumbled the weapon, accidentally discharging it and sending a bullet through his right thigh, which already suffered from a hamstring injury acquired this season. Pierce rushed to his aid, sources say, and informed the injured Burress that bringing the gun out was a bad idea, a piece of advice coming just slightly too late.

As any responsible pair of championship-winning professional athletes would, the mischievous pair decided not to call emergency personnel, and instead broke to Plaxico’s Totowa, NJ Mansion to regroup over more mixed drinks and pizza bagels prepared by the Mrs. Burress. Plaxico is facing up to 3.5 years in prison, but will no doubt be well-liked in any New York state prison for shooting that prick Plaxico Burress in the leg.

Tags: , ,

Tiger Loses Engine’s Roar

11/25/08 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy

GM execs probably haven’t given up on flying their private jets door-to-door in efforts to collect funds for this Winter’s anti-bankruptcy magazine and candy bar fundraiser, but they have found a way to cut around $7 million a year out of the budget.

Unfortunately, when $7 million gets saved someone has to feel the weight in their wallet disappear, and this time around that someone is Tiger Woods. Everyone’s favorite PGA Golf Superstar, who has carried a Buick logo on his bag o’clubs for the past nine years through 14 major championships, was said to have come to a mutual agreement with the automaker to end their endorsement deal a year before it was up. We’re not sure how Tiger will deal as he only has a video game franchise, a Nike deal, and several other endorsements to fall back on, but it’s possible he may have to get a job as a caddy at his local country club just to be able send his children to college and keep a roof over his incredibly attractive wife’s head.

On a positive note, he’ll finally get the chance to check out some of that high quality Japanese and German engineering he’s heard so much about.

Tags: , ,

Partnership

Recent Comments

Gossip

  • Johnny Depp Brings the Sex

    11/18/09

    The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine.  But is he man enough for this title?
    The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp
    I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the [...]

    read more…

  • Appropriate Publicity Techniques

    11/12/09

    The Story: Carrie Prejean became extremely flustered while on-air with Larry King.  OneRiot breaks down her interviewing tactics, and helps her further her public speaking skills.

    The Search: Larry King & Carrie Prejean
    With all the pseudo-celebrities emerging over the past decade or so, we at OneRiot have grown increasingly concerned that people are getting famous for [...]

    read more…

  • The Galactic Search for Love

    11/11/09

    The Story: Diaper-wearing Astronaut Lisa Nowak was sentenced today for her cross-country crime.  OneRiot casts the movie featuring the out of this world love triangle.
    The Search: Lisa Nowak Sentence
    Astronaut love is not like regular person love. Maybe that’s why the 2004 story of Lisa Nowak and the space-love triangle that caused her to drive 1000 [...]

    read more…

  • Renaming Mel Gibson’s Octo-Spawn

    11/03/09

    The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
    The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
    Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]

    read more…

  • Jackson Biography Draws the Attention of Hollywood & Interweb

    10/28/09

    In a triumphant posthumous return to the trending topics, Michael Jackson reared his beautifully-singing head on the social web when chatter about the release of his film biography reminded everyone just how influential his passing was. The new picture documents the life of the icon, along with (very) recent footage of Jackson prepping for his [...]

    read more…

Updates

Partnership

Stuff We’re Watching

  • http://www.vimeo.com/7235817
  • http://www.vimeo.com/6958283
  • http://www.vimeo.com/6788487

Tweet Tweet

    more tweets
     

    You need to log in to vote

    The blog owner requires users to be logged in to be able to vote for this post.

    Alternatively, if you do not have an account yet you can create one here.

    Powered by Vote It Up