Nearly 200 pilot whales and several bottle-noise dolphins were on their way to committing suicide by way of beaching on Tasmania’s King Island, when rescue workers arrived to thwart their efforts by returning them to the sea.

Chris Arthur, an official with Tasmania’s Park and Wildlife Service, said, “It’s amazing, some will die straight away, some will survive for days,” and noted his confusion with the struggle put up by the sea mammals while being ’saved.’ Apparently, this is the fourth mass beaching in a few months, and several of the whales and dolphins who are dragged back into the ocean are repeat offenders.

“Why can’t they understand that we just want to die,” a four and a half ton pilot whale was quoted as saying. “We let you selfish humans willingly commit suicide at sea - we even eat your carcasses. We’ve been doing it for years!”

Officials are concerned over sightings of more depressed, depraved whales eying the shores of King Island for the opportunity of the sweet release of suicide. In desperation, locals are scrambling for ideas on how to remedy the issue. Suggestions at a town hall meeting included setting fire to the island of Tasmania, ignoring the problem until it goes away on its own, and converting already dead whales into submarines, manning these vessels, then posing as actual whales that infiltrate the local whale community, injecting fun and spontaneity into their lives through rehearsed song and dance routines.