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Posts Tagged ‘Teens’

Teens and Texting: This Crack is for Reals

5/27/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under Health

Pregnancy? STDs? Huffing? Crack cocaine? The newest danger to teen health is far more sinister than the traditional, time-honored methods of risky self-harm. It’s called texting, and it’s destroying the future of our world.

Major cell phone companies, when not busy rigging America’s favorite television program, pulled together information and found that 2,272 text messages was the average number sent by teens per month. That’s an OMGZ! Totally nsane, nothin to LOL about, 80 txts per day!

According to some researchers these text-a-holic children are suffering health effects from the abundance of thumb movement, including injured fingers and hands, sleep deprivation and poor performance in school. It is also screwing with their tender, still-forming identities, because it does not give them enough time alone to think over things like which Jonas Brother’s purity they would like to take and who to bully at school. Most importantly, it does not leave them enough time to have unprotected sex, huff aerosol cans in the basement until they pass out, or do heroin.

Teens Losing (Less of) It on Prom Night

5/20/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, US

While many of us remember senior prom as our final carefree romp before entering the hellish real world, the class of 2009 is under a bit more pressure to keep the cost down. The dress, the flowers, the meth, the limo, and the ticket itself can add up to quite a bundle, and mom and dad have woes of their own. I mean, look at dad. Ever since he got laid off he just sits in the garage in that tattered bathrobe varnishing that disfigured piece of drift wood over and over again. It’s kind of disturbing, really.

Anyhow, while some fret about the lost luster of the momentous end-of-innocence celebration, plenty of enterprising teenagers are taking back the prom by being resourceful. Some have decided to skip the fancy venue and rent out an old folks home instead (i would say ’senior’ but that would get confusing). Many have decided to skip the limo in favor of driving or quickly walking to the event. Rather than going all out on the dress and the hair, girls are borrowing items or making them out of discarded burlap.

Many whose family’s are so strapped that they couldn’t afford prom tickets were desperate for a solution, which thankfully emerged in the form of an alternative event sponsored by a local seafood processing plant, aptly titled ‘Prawn 2009′.

Pushin’ for the Baby Blocker

4/22/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Health, US

Teens, prepare to get naked and do it bareback: FDA officials announced Tuesday that you too will be able to buy the baby-blocker pill without a prescription very soon. The new federal ruling will overturn a Bush Administration policy stating only women age 18 and older could pick up an over-the-counter Plan B pill—which destroys any chance of conception within about 72 hours of intercourse—bringing the narcotic to girls as early as their 17th birthday.

The new Plan B rule is not yet in effect, but will be very soon. So, if you’re in a pop-punk band or have an affinity for parking your Camaro outside local high schools, someday next month will be a pretty awesome day - assuming you can get laid.

Vermont May Support Teen Textuality

4/13/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, Politics, US

Following the recent rash of controversial occurrences revolving around horny teenagers diddling around with technology, the sexually progressive state of Vermont is toying with the idea of encouraging trashy behavior in teenagers by legalizing the act of ’sexting.’ Sexting is defined as sending of naughty pictures or messages over the world wide phoneweb and under current law, when carried out between consenting teenagers falls under the category of child pornography where those found guilty become slapped with the sex offender label.

Whether or not the law is passed decriminalizing the act most Vermont teens will continue experiment with their sexuality either on myspace or a ratty couch in a friends wood paneled basement while their parents are away. The state however could have plans to discourage budding teen textuality in other ways, like distributing cellular jimmy hats and via state run programs such as “practicing safe cybersex” and “virtual abstinence”.

The Kids Really, Definitely Aren’t Alright.

11/26/08 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under International Affairs

A car full of teenagers has managed to set a new benchmark for ‘world’s most disaffected youth’ this week. Australian authorities were stunned on Monday when a troupe of adolescents ordered takeout—McDonalds, to be precise—and had it delivered to them at the site of a fatal car crash in which they’d just been involved.

News.com.au reports that an underage, unlicensed driver and his equally prepubescent passengers sat idly by and ate hamburgers and fries while residents near the crash struggled to help the elderly couple they’d recently killed. One awestruck witness gave his account of the strange sight: “They just stood there, and then they sat down and then someone dropped Maccas off to them.” Chilling.

Maybe it’s the fact that these kids didn’t much care about their victims being pulled out of a car by the Jaws of Life that incensed me in this story; but really, I think it’s more about the poor choice of crash site grub. Haven’t these douchebags seen Supersize Me? Perhaps this is fate, though; the effects of the horrible food will reap karmic revenge on these misfits over the next many decades, and the souls of the deceased will finally be appeased upon their cholesterol-fueled demise. God is good.

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Gossip

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    11/03/09

    The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
    The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
    Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]

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  • Jackson Biography Draws the Attention of Hollywood & Interweb

    10/28/09

    In a triumphant posthumous return to the trending topics, Michael Jackson reared his beautifully-singing head on the social web when chatter about the release of his film biography reminded everyone just how influential his passing was. The new picture documents the life of the icon, along with (very) recent footage of Jackson prepping for his [...]

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  • With Great Power Comes Great Twesponsibility

    10/15/09

    Last night, thousands of status updates were sent out into the Twittersphere by concerned individuals who believed they were passing on an Amber Alert for a three year old boy. Descriptions of the perp’s Mitsubishi Eclipse and license plate spread like wildfire, and #98B351 quickly became a trending topic. Not long after, celebrity @KhloeKardashian retweeted [...]

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  • Jon and Kate Plus Eight Minus Jon

    9/29/09

    Bad news, Ed Hardy fans: it’s been scientifically (read: conditionally) proven (read: suggested) that wearing the brand 24/7 will ruin your career. At least, that’s what it—coupled with a series of other bad decisions—did for Jon Gosselin. The horrific fashion victim, best known for his appearances on the reality program Jon and Kate Plus [...]

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  • Imma Let U Finish But Kim Was the Most Famous Kardashian of ALL TIME

    9/24/09

    It’s kind of unfair: pro basketball players are typically ginormous, but they’re always hanging out with diminutive cheerleaders, models and actresses. While we fully support the concept of giving the spoils to the victors (did you see our sweet news coverage, by the way?), it’s nice to know that at least one monolithic baller is [...]

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