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Posts Tagged ‘US’

Steven Green is Sorry to be Steven Green

5/29/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US

Steven Green, a disgraced ex-US soldier, is no doubt thankful that he narrowly escaped the death penalty for his crime of raping a 14-year-old girl and murdering her, her parents and her 6-year-old sister in the town of Yusufiya in 2006.

Rather than keep quiet and accept his punishment for committing such a heinous crime, Green had the gall to apologize for his extremely deplorable action. It remains unclear who he was apologizing to, as he had most likely raped and killed anyone that bore the brunt of his actions. In any case, it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong and a much smaller man to rape and kill someone’s entire family and then two years later decide that it was probably a bad idea when faced with the prospect of life in prison. Way to go Green - have fun in the shower.

ASTROCLASH!: US & Russian Satellites Collide

2/12/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Science, US

Sarah Palin may insist she can see Russia from her home, but some “parts” of both countries have done more than just lock eyes - they’ve touched.

A duo of satellites from the two global superpowers enjoyed an extremely unusual astro-brush up 500 miles above Siberia on Tuesday, when a seemingly out of control, inoperative Russian satellite careened into a working craft owned by the U.S. communications company, Iridium. While Iridium expects to have their replacement up and running within the next 30 days, the debris from the biggest unintentional international space summit to date is thought to pose a low-level of risk to both the International Space Station and a shuttle launch scheduled for later this month. The earth’s orbit has been littered with over 17,000 pieces of man-made space junk since the launch of Sputnik in 1957, which currently serve as the biggest threat to shuttles in flight. Sigh: Somewhere out there is a crying Alien beaming up trash and pleading to keep the universe clean.

Government Swoops In To Save Citigroup

11/24/08 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, US

Superhero Government Man is about to rescue another damsel in distress, this time by the name of Citigroup.

The Treasury department, Federal Reserve and FDIC announced on Friday that they were channeling a solid $20 billion into the flagging finance stalwart in the hopes of preventing yet another catastrophic collapse of a longstanding institution.

The boost already has been met with some success, as the market has shown favorable initial response to the move. Citigroup’s stock rose 49 percent in morning trading, and the stock markets in Germany and England gained more than four percent in afternoon trading. The collective financial world is crossing their fingers on this one, hoping to prevent even more financial chaos.

On another note, The New York Mets baseball organization is also knocking on wood for a Citigroup revival, as it’s failure might instigate a renaming of the soon-to-open CitiField to Government Subsidized Stadium.

Hey, Al Franken Might Actually Win

11/18/08 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Politics, US

Al Franken has a decent chance of passing Sen. Norm Coleman during the upcoming recount, thinks Professor Michael C. Herron of Dartmouth College.

“If someone put a gun to my head and said, ‘You have to bet,’ I would bet Franken,” Herron stated, “It won’t be a wipe-out. Two hundred votes is effectively tied. We just know that, in this case, Democrats tend to [screw up their ballots] more often [than Republicans].”

Well, we’re not pointing any guns– but on the subject of Democrats– we aren’t quite sure where that “sucky ballot skill bias” comes into play. HOWEVER (however), had the voting system in CO been like it was in Minnesota (where voters had to fill in the circle next to the name of the candidate they supported, as opposed to mark an “x” through it, or cross out names of the people they didn’t like, or circle the name of the one they did, or doodle on the parts of the ballot they didn’t really care about), we would have had SAT flashbacks and gone rogue too.

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  • The Heirs To Uga VII’s Throne

    11/20/09

    The Story: With the passing of Georgia’s beloved bulldog icon, a new master-mascot must be chosen.  Who will it be?
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  • Johnny Depp Brings the Sex

    11/18/09

    The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine.  But is he man enough for this title?
    The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp
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  • Appropriate Publicity Techniques

    11/12/09

    The Story: Carrie Prejean became extremely flustered while on-air with Larry King.  OneRiot breaks down her interviewing tactics, and helps her further her public speaking skills.

    The Search: Larry King & Carrie Prejean
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  • The Galactic Search for Love

    11/11/09

    The Story: Diaper-wearing Astronaut Lisa Nowak was sentenced today for her cross-country crime.  OneRiot casts the movie featuring the out of this world love triangle.
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  • Renaming Mel Gibson’s Octo-Spawn

    11/03/09

    The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
    The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
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