The Story: Did your plane get delayed due to that pesky ol’ FAA glitch?  Don’t fret, here are some ways to keep yourself occupied in the airport.

The Search: FAA Glitch

The minutes leading up to any airplane departure can be wrought with restlessness and boredom.  That’s why most airport interiors resemble malls.  What better thing to do before you leave a city than stimulate its economy because you can’t go anywhere else. Many cities across the US are benefiting from this not-so-coincidental combination of commerce and aviation today, as an FAA glitch forced all sorts of flight delays across the nation.  We here at OneRiot don’t want to speculate that this is just a government conspiracy to feed the economy, but we’re pretty sure plenty of folks are milling around airports with money to spend, curiously eying that kiosk with the $300 noise-canceling headphones. We know there are more desirable ways to pass the time when you’re waiting to fly the friendly skies than dilly-dallying in the duty free shops, so if you’re stranded at your gate and your flight is running late, here are some ideas to help you deal with being marooned at the skymall.

Introduce Yourself To Your Fellow Strandees- People in the same lousy predicament love complaining to one another and giving each other incredulous looks every time another announcement is made about more delays.  Introducing yourself gives you the ability to put a name to each pained grimace.  “This sucks, doesn’t it Dave?”

Ride the moving walkways- It’s always fun to compare yourself standing still on the moving walkway with people who are actually walking.  Which one is faster?

Eating Contest- There’s bound to be a Dunkin’ Donuts somewhere near your gate.  Have each participant buy a 60 pack of munchkins. Whoever eats the most both gains the most weight and can tell all of their friends they won a competitive eating contest.  If pride isn’t your idea of a prize, then gather up enough money to buy the winner a souvenir of that particular city, so they’ll always remember that magical day in Cincinnati.

Discover New Hobbies and Interests- The airport magazine store has a vast array of titles covering a wide range of subjects.  Everything from Cat Fancy to NASCAR is at your fingertips.  Maybe when you return home to that lonely urban apartment you’ll realize that your life would be a lot more fulfilling if you had a Calico Kitty rubbing against your leg.

Read a book- Sometimes imagining characters in your mind is a heck of a lot better than dealing with those that surround you.  Especially if they’re engaging in some of the activities above.

If none of the activities pique your fancy, we recommend bellying up to the airport bar and learning about the sales business from Rusty who’s in town from Tulsa for a conference.

For the buzziest destinations, tips and tricks from the web’s best travel sites and blogs sent right to your Twitter, check out PulseOnTravel. Powered by OneRiot

The Story:  OneRiot takes a look at Mickey Mouse’s life as he celebrates his 81st birthday.

The Search: Mickey Mouse Birthday

On November 18th, 1928, the world was introduced to a cartoon mouse named Mickey through a short called Steamboat Willie (not to be confused with the lurid sexual position). Admittedly a minstrel character by origin, Mickey has seen America, and himself, through turmoil of all shades, only to remain an irremovable fixture in American pop culture. From humble beginnings of abusing animals by treating them as musical instruments to becoming the American icon chosen by effigy burners across the world, Mickey has endured, and today we salute him by looking back on his career.

Steamboad Willie may have been the first sign of Mickey’s popularity, but for creator Walt Disney, it was a third attempt. A character based on his pet mouse and created as the result of Disney’s severed relationship with Charles Mintz of Universal Studios ended up making Disney an influential and powerful man. Aside from allowing his accusations of communist loyalty within the Screen Actors Guild to be heard, his clout brought him to the helm of a form of media that would influence the world’s children. Between the proliferation of the television and the baby boom, kids were practically being raised by Mickey.

Mickey Mouse, while steering clear of a political agenda with only a few subliminal indications as to his leaning, has received more votes for public office than any other fictional character in history. Protest ballots bearing the character’s name have been cast in record numbers for decades with absolutely no fear on the part of voters that the mouse would emerge and forcibly take power, as his depiction on TV’s South Park would suggest.

Whether it is his white gloves, his shirtlessness,or his friendly nature, Mickey Mouse has grown to become one of the most recognizable symbols in the world and an American to represent all Americans. Happy Birthday, Mickey. We’re glad we’ve still got at least one superstar with a high voice and an abusive father.

The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine.  But is he man enough for this title?

The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp

I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the masses of sweaty, bearded, farting boars that are the males of this planet, one of us bastards must be the sexiest. People magazine, which has dedicated the working hours of all its employees to the study of only the most special people, has decided that Johnny Depp has got the more sex in him than any man. I, for one, am speaking for all those men who find this decision to be outrageous. Depp is not a real man, and therefore should only be regarded as sexiest among his foofy Hollywood peers. Survivorman Les Stroud is a real man. My housemate Greg, who just got his internet to work and did a victory dance, he’s a man. I, sitting here in dire need of a shower, am a man. You want to know why Depp received this honor? You want to hear it from a man?

First of all, Johnny Depp lives on a private Bahaman island. On this island, he is served by a staff whose only calling in life is to please one Johnny Depp. He hasn’t cleaned leaves out of a gutter, changed a tire, used a sock in lieu of toilet paper, or performed any of the tasks that make a man a man. He’s soft. I, on the other hand, cut my fingers every time I open my car door. My boy Joe doesn’t have a car. Instead he walks all over Philly and therefore has to carry a knife. Joe’s a man. If either of us had these ordeals lifted from our lives and suddenly entered a pampered reality, we wouldn’t be men. We would be Johnny Depp.

Millions of women all over the planet get to see Johnny Depp through his movies and decide whether or not he’s sexy. I, on the other hand, am viewed by three women on a regular basis; my girlfriend, my mom, and that crabby old Cambodian lady at the corner store. Only one of these women finds me sexy. However, if those odds were applied to the world, there would be a billion women scoping me out and finding something sexy about my sexy self. Despite this fact, I’m still not even close to being a competitor.

Many men in my peer group have found that a man’s sexiness, in the eyes of the world’s lady population, increases with bankroll. Not to say that women are shallow; if they were, then only looks would matter. They don’t. Money matters. I know this guy named Larry who is the ugliest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen, and he’s got a ridiculously hot girlfriend. Why?  He invented the scoop tortilla chip. That doesn’t make him sexy, it just makes him rich. Apparently, that’s pretty sexy.

Finally, I’d like to note that 99.9 percent of you women out there who agree with People magazine have no idea what Johnny Depp is really like. You just think he looks good. If you got a chance to date him, you might find out that he’s a vain, self-absorbed jerk who’s completely out of touch with reality. Then again, you might find him to be a kind, caring soul who is down to earth despite his fame. Either way you would quit him because you don’t want a man that every woman in the world wants. You want a man you can count on, kick around once in a while, and occasionally find sexy. Of course, I can’t be sure what you want. After all, I’m not a psychic. I’m a man.

The Story: Spending all that time in space has got to get a little boring for the crew of Atlantis, so OneRiot has provided them a list of fun things they can do while up there.  Hope they get WiFi.

The Search: Atlantis

Spending time in space may sound great in theory. You get to see the rest of the universe from a perspective witnessed by only a handful of human eyes.  However, while you may get to go for a couple of spacewalks and repair a few things, in the end it usually boils down to being stuck in the same spot with the same views for days on end with very few options for entertainment.  With Atlantis docking today at the International Space Station, a motley crew of six astronaut dudes will be joining a lone female for eleven days spanning over the Thanksgiving holiday to perform experiments and other boring science stuff. While we’re not sure how much free time they’ll have, we’ve got a list of suggestions of fun things to do when you’re outside of Earth’s atmosphere that are made that much cooler by the knowledge that any activity sounds better with the word “space” in front of it.

Space Invaders- We don’t mean play the video game.  Simply see how much you can invade the personal space of your fellow astronauts until it makes them angry.  Helluva way to pass the time.

SpaceBall- It’s like baseball but with zero gravity and lots of fancy dials to damage that might result in you never returning home again.

Space Disco- Trips to space in the 60’s through 90’s were undoubtedly lame based on the fact that there was only so much musical entertainment you could bring aboard in the form of cassettes, records, and CDs.  We’re sure some of the astronauts have their iPod up there with some kickin’ dance tunes.  Have the boring astronaut of the group stand by and flick the lights on and off while you show off your dances moves.  Do the SpaceTwist or the Zero-Gravity Running Man.

Expose Yourself- We know you can’t breathe in space…but what would happen if you took off a glove or something while you were taking a spacewalk?  Try it.  What’s the worst that could happen?

Space Talent Show- The first astronaut to resort to juggling is immediately disqualified.

Space Relations- We’re not sure of the relationship statuses of all of the astronauts, but for our money, there’s no better pickup line than “Have you ever done it…IN SPACE?”

We’d imagine taking up any of these activities while trapped in the interstellar vacuum above Earth would be substantially better then sitting on your Space Ass or staring out the Space Window eating Space Ice Cream.  In fact, we’re willing to concede most astronauts would be over the moon with the wealth of such out of this world activities.  Ok, no more space puns.

The Story: The Oxford American Dictionary has chosen “unfriending” as its word of the year.  OneRiot gives our pick for other 2009 candidates.

The Search: Oxford Dictionary

Having 825 Facebook friends can often be a burden.  The constant string of unwarranted and obnoxious status updates can drive a social networker absolutely batty. Treading lightly and keeping a finger on the “remove connection” button has become such a necessity in our digital society that the act of eliminating said connection a.k.a. “unfriending” has now emerged as a predominant daily quandary for the net set. Though this writer prefers to refer to it as de-friending, the Oxford American dictionary has chosen to recognize the former term as its “word of the year.”  In celebration of the emergence of such popular new verbiage, we here at OneRiot thought it a good idea to proclaim our favorite words that have recently worked their way into the lexicon.

1. DVR- We know it’s only three letters, but along with Tivo these letters have managed to save our television viewing lives from an onslaught of car commercials, because who buys a car based on a commercial anyway?

2. Sexting- There’s no word that sounds like what it means more…and it means good times or getting expelled from high school.

3. Truthiness- Stephen Colbert’s linguistic triumph was truly the perfect way to describe the regarding of a gut feeling as fact regardless of any evidence stating the contrary, a practice held in high esteem by many a news network.

4. Meep- This onomatopoeic word isn’t necessarily new.  It was Beaker from The Muppet Show’s sole form of communication way back when.  However, it’s recent controversial revival as a jack-of-all-phrases at a High School in Massachusetts had parents and teachers rumbling. Needless to say, the coolness factor is immediately upped when parents just don’t understand.

5. Totes- Bringing the valley girl style to a lazier generation. Totes is “totally” for people who can’t be bothered with three syllables.  And it’s totes fun to say.

6. Tweetup- Meetups between Twitter followers where they prove their social ineptitude by spending the majority of the time ignoring who they are hanging out with while tweeting to their followers not present about whom they are hanging out with.

7. Celebreality- The alternate universe lived in by b to d list celebrities, in which they are followed around by VH1 cameras for the sole purpose of proving that their mundane existences and unrealistic methods of searching for love may be more interesting than that of the public at large.

Many more new words have triumphed linguistically over the past few years, but trying to name them all would require thumbing through a very large book called the Oxford American Dictionary and frankly we just don’t have the time to engage in such balderdash.

The Search: GPS Lingerie

Romantic love is a lot like chocolate; it has to be mixed with other agents in order to have a shelf life. Whereas the Hershey’s factory stocks up on candle wax and cockroach legs to lend support to its delectable candy bars, people in relationships supplement the joyous feelings of love with guilt, mistrust, and mind shattering paranoia. For those gentlemen who can’t seem to trust their women, or find them for that matter, Brazilian company Lindelucy has come out with Find Me If You Can lingerie equipped with a GPS tracking system; an outfit so slutty that she’d better not be wearing it anywhere.

Click here to view the embedded video.
We at OneRiot are well versed in the language of love, and can predict that the feminists out there might not be on board with this radical GPS in-my-panties concept.  In order to change their minds, we’ve come up with a few hypothetical situations involving the Find Me If You Can that would make anyone consider wearing locating lingerie.

A Sexy Emergency

You, a gentleman of poise and fine tweed suits, are on your way to a ski lodge for a rendezvous with your female companion. As you make your way up a mountain road under heavy snowfall, you can practically smell her intoxicating perfume. It is this thought that distracts you just long enough for the right side or your classic sports car to find its way into a snow drift, immobilizing the vehicle with a sudden jolt. You gather your wits and immediately begin scrambling for a solution. A realization suddenly hits you, and you pull out your laptop and thank your lucky stars that your lady is wrapped in garments trackable by satellite. You thank your own sense of preparedness as you throw a bottle of brandy into your satchel and begin making your way up the road to the cabin, where the Find Me If You Can assures that you will find her.

Catastrophe Prevention

A romantic getaway with your mate finds you on a beach in southern Thailand. Your lady decides to grab a Thai iced tea from the shop right as you slip into a relaxed slumber. You awaken to find her missing. Being the quick thinker that you are, you simultaneously notify the police and begin tracking her with the Find Me If You Can lingerie that she was inexplicably wearing underneath her bathing suit. Within two hours, a gang of pirates are discovered at a local watering and are arrested for her kidnap. She is safely returned to you. Next stop: the hotel room, to utilize the non-GPS functions of the lingerie.

The Story: Wonder what Hillary and Sarah would talk about if they ever met up for coffee?  We’ve got an idea or two.

The Search: Palin Clinton

On this weekend’s broadcast of NBC’s Meet The Press, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told host David Gregory that she’d find the prospect of sitting down with Sarah Palin over a hot cuppa joe “very interesting.”  All of this hullabaloo stems from a passage in the former VP hopeful’s book “Going Rogue” where the hockey mom intimates that if the two ever meet up for some java they would “fundamentally disagree on many issues.”

While that assessment is probably an understatement, we think these two ladies could stand to learn a lot from one another.  We’re not sure if this Starbucks Summit will ever take place, but we have a few ideas about what might come up should these two very different female heads of state ever sip together in or out of the political realm:

1.) Geography- Ms. Palin knows where Russia is and now has even seen parts of Asia. That’s a lot of foreign soil.  However, as a former first lady and current Secretary of State, we think Hillary can help school Sarah on world capitals and foreign leaders that she can’t see from her porch.

2.) Hockey- As a self-professed Hockey Mom, Ms. Palin sure knows her way around the rink.  SP could explain to Hillary why after the 2004-2005 NHL lockout the league’s decision to abolish the two-line pass rule and institute overtime shootouts were pivotal to the survival of the “coolest game on earth.”

3.) Raising Daughters- Both of these women know what it’s like to have a little girl as the apple of their eye.  Both had obviously different approaches to raising them and teaching them the birds and the bees.  Palin went with the celibacy only option, and based on the activity of Hillary’s husband, that was never an option.  Funnily enough, these approaches turned out opposite of what you’d expect.  I’m sure they’ll laugh and laugh over this one.

4.) Being Overshadowed By Successful Husbands-
Sarah: It’s hard to be the well-liked female governor of Alaska when your husband is a champion snow machine racer that everyone loves and respects.
Hillary: Tell me about it. My husband was President of the United States.  That’s like the champion snow machine racer of politics.

5.) Folksiness- Many perceive Hillary Clinton the necessary “cold bitch” ideal for diplomacy.  Ms. Palin might recommend dropping some of her g’s in order to achieve folksy charm which in turn could help disarm Iran’s leaders and their military.

There’s probably plenty more common ground we’re not thinking of, like where to buy the best feminine power suits or the best firearm to use from your helicopter, but until Starbucks Summit actually happens, all we here at OneRiot can do is speculate.

The Story: Hasbro is giving My Little Pony a magical revival.  OneRiot has some perfect pony ideas of our own.

The Search: My Little Pony

When it comes to what kids want, no one has their finger on the pulse like Hasbro. Whether it’s because they’re just that perceptive or they’re brainwashing our children, Hasbro’s effectiveness is now manifesting itself in the revival of forgotten things and a ridiculous amount of merchandising (I’m writing this article while wearing my Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen bedroom slippers and tiara combo). With all the action-packed remakes catering to little boys with ADD and internet access, Hasbro has decided to pick up the slack with product lines targeted at little girls. With interests of that demographic going in a generally inappropriate direction, the toy giant is revisiting a more wholesome time, when girls dreamed of multicolored stallions with big spikes growing out of their faces. My Little Pony is coming back to TV and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.

With the new show and subsequent toy line on the horizon, we have been pondering which tactics Hasbro will be using to maintain the magic and fantasy while simultaneously keeping costs down and bolstering their profit margin. Naturally, being the on-the-fly thinkers we are, we came up with a few ideas of our own.

• Chinese manufacturers have proven themselves over and over again to be an effective, if not poisonous, partner in toy making. The biggest recurring issue is that of consistency and accurate English. No one wants to see a bootleg Pinkie Pie with a tagline that reads “Most Joyous Feelings Emerge from the Body Oraphace Spewing Rainbows!” Rather than try and make the Chinese adhere to the western standard, we suggest giving them Their Own Little Ponies to the massive Chinese market. In line with MLP names such as Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, Toola-Roola, Cheerilee, and Sweetie Belle, the first of the Chinese incarnation will be called Shanghai Surprise.

• Kids love interactivity, and a plastic pony doesn’t exactly live up to the dreams of riding through meadows and frolicking in magical creeks. The way to bring My Little Pony in line with the experience of real life horse ownership is to make the toys more like real horses. That’s why we came up with Blankety, the blank white horse that you raise like a virtual pet and brand like it’s your physical property. Blankety will be encased in actual horse leather, so you get that country ranch smell when you press a red hot iron barb spelling out your initials on your pony’s haunches.   You’ll feel like a real cowgirl!  We’re still working on a way to bring to life the experience of shoveling horse manure.

• Our third idea is merely an enhancement of the current product line: give the ponies genitals. Parents will be grateful for avoiding horribly awkward explanations to their children in front of horse-owning friends or relatives.

On Tuesday of next week, OneRiot’s Tobias Peggs will be joining Erick Schonfeld (TechCrunch), Akhil Wable (Facebook), Vik Singh (Yahoo Inc.) and Gerry Campbell (Collecta) at New York’s Web 2.0 Expo to discuss the internet shift from static to realtime.

If you’re attending the conference, drop Tobias a note - he’d love to see you there.

What: Web 2.0 Expo New York
Where: Jacob K. Javits Convention Center
When: November 16-19, 2009
Panel Information: 10:05am Tuesday, 11/17/2009; Room 1A21

More panel info after the jump…

The Future of Web Search: From Static to Social to Realtime

The basic premise of realtime search is to answer the simple yet important question: “What are other people saying about my query right now?” The result is an intriguing blend of news, trends, navigation and discovery, all powered by information users are creating in ever-increasing quantities. Traditional search engines struggle to keep up!

Search panelists from Yahoo!, Facebook, OneRiot and Collecta, will come together to discuss the future of web search. As the usage of real-time search starts to vector towards the mainstream, there are important questions to be answered such as: Why are realtime search mechanisms necessary? What does this mean for classical search providers and can they coexist with realtime? What are the use cases for second by second indexing of the web? What are the primary use cases of real-time search?

Panelists will discuss the persistent democratization of the internet and how social behavior and graphing plays a major part to index the realtime web. Other topics of discussion around realtime search include monetization strategies, the challenges facing traditional search engines, creating viable business models and the pervasive issues of spam and scalability. Attendees will leave this panel with a better understanding of the nuances, the challenges, the consumer and business opportunities and ultimately the value of delivering a new generation of search that is social and realtime.

The Story: A man gets jail time after making a booty-call to 911.  OneRiot helps you determine when you should, and when you shouldn’t, dial those three little digits.

The Search: Sex 911 Call

According to the Public Safety and Homeland Security Bureau, “911 lines are designated for emergency calls, such as reporting a crime in progress, reporting a fire, or requesting an ambulance.”  Notice that nowhere in that official description is there mention of a “sexual emergency”.  If only Joshua Basso had access to that description prior to calling those three digits, he’d have saved himself from a heap of trouble…and not sexy trouble like getting a flat tire in a porn film. The 29-year-old Tampa Resident was arrested after aiming lewd comments at a 9-1-1 operator and subsequently throwing in a little “my place or yours” action in the hopes of completing a titillating tryst with said catastrophe clerk.  While we understand Basso’s reluctance to dial a 1-900 number on account of the hefty cost, there are certain things you just can’t justify calling a public emergency hotline for–and dirty talk is most certainly one of them.  In order to get a handle on other emergency phone-pas, OneRiot is taking a stroll down memory lane and throwing in some new suggestions of our own of when not to call 9-1-1.

1.Fast Food Fix- From the woman in Haltom City, Texas who dialed the three magic numbers to complain that her local Chinese restaurant had been skimping on the shrimp to the recent incident in Hawaii when a drive-thru customer rang to complain over a missing box of OJ from his Mickey D’s breakfast; these are situations best left for a managerial complaint or the Better Business Bureau, lest the cops consider the withholding of a single prawn to be a hostage situation.

2. When You’re Being Adorable- Kids are adorable…and sometimes adorable kids make life saving phone calls.  Sometimes they just want help with their math homework. Awww.

3. Fictional Character Medical Emergency- If you just so happen to be watching your box set of Dallas and you get to the point where someone shoots J.R., do not call 9-1-1.  JR Ewing is not a real person and judging by his lack of scruples he probably deserved it.

4. Marijuana Overdose Hockey Score Curiosity- Getting really high on pot by eating a whole bunch of brownies having and having a freakout is sort of a medical emergency…but needing to know the score in the Red Wings game is not.  If you can use the phone, you can probably also turn on ESPN.

5. Your Child Has Not Floated Away In A Balloon- If you own some sort of Mylar balloon that was set free and your child is not inside of it floating across the state at great heights and you don’t fear for his life…you should probably not call 9-1-1.  It will save you, the 24 hour news networks, and the general public a lot of time and grief.

Let that be a lesson to you.  If you tend to over-react and have an itchy phone trigger finger, take a deep breath, step back and assess the situation before calling 9-1-1.  It’s for emergencies.

The Story: Approximately one million Xbox live users were banned after illegally downloading a game.  OneRiot helps them cope with life after gaming.

The Search: Xbox Ban

Some one million Xbox users got a shock when they found they were banned from the console’s Live component, which allows for interactive online play, game purchasing, and various other features that users have become dependent upon, the confiscation of which could result in mental breakdowns worldwide.  Microsoft decided to enact the ban after a large number of gamers with modified consoles downloaded pirated versions of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, leaving the users with a bad-ass game and no one to play it with. It is predicted that after a few hundred hours of desperate solitary game playing, jumping in on consoles of unbanned friends, crying alone, and throwing up from withdrawal symptoms, each of these individuals will emerge from their dens with a thirst for a new hobby and all the time in the world to seek it out. We’ve got a few suggestions to expedite their journey.

Sports!
Actual sports are a lot like games such as FIFA World Cup, Madden, and that new sensation Tecmo Super Bowl, except they are played outside with actual equipment. And guess who handles the ball; you! Not your favorite star or some totally random avatar you unlocked with cheat codes, but your actual self. Because most of your limb muscles are likely atrophied from the long years of inactivity, we recommend starting off with something a little milder.

Running!
Haven’t you seen those commercials that say something like “If you don’t spend an hour outside everyday, you’ll die sad and alone” or something catchy like that? Well, they’re right. You won’t be ready to engage in sports until you’ve attempted to reorient your body with motion in the elements. It’s totally different from moving between the fridge, the bathroom and the couch. Also, you may want to use an oxygen tank for the first few outside excursions. The last thing your immunities fought was the urge to wake up at a reasonable hour, so we’re pretty sure even the simplest virus would pretty much destroy you. Also, jumping right to running may be too jarring to your system. Work your way up to it by starting with…

Walking!
This famed precursor to running doesn’t even have to count as exercise. A trip to the mailbox, the supermarket, or the videogame store (you’re useless to them now because you have no Live capability) all entail some amount of walking, and if you push it just a little bit, you’ll be jogging. We didn’t want to embarass you by making jogging a step between walking and running. It’s likely your a grown man between the ages of 28 and 36 and you should really already know that. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you thought running was pressing the Y button while you walk. Wow, you’re out of touch. We better tone it down to a basic step.

Having a Conversation!
There are all kinds of people in the world, and though they carry weapons nearly as interesting as the characters in Soul Calibur, they often have other interesting qualities. Half of these people are women, and a good chunk of them are probably quite attractive. Your physiology will direct towards these people in hopes that you will manage to forge a social connection that you can later salvage enough to have a sexual experience. Once you’ve undergone this, you’ll understand what ‘Live capability’ means in the real world. Overwhelmed? Probably. We don’t expect you to jump right into the real world feel 100% secure. After all, you’ve spent most of your life in front of a screen. To ween you off of your Xbox, we remind you of another, perhaps more versatile, console known as…

Your Computer!
After all, an Xbox is just a glorified computer. You can find all kinds of things on the internet, including games, sports results, footage of people walking and running and even images of those female people we described in the previous paragraph doing things that would make your Xbox short out. Of course, we are almost certain that this is where most of the one million banned users will end up.

In celebration of quirky occult holidays (like today), we thought it would be interesting to get down to the bottom of what makes Friday the 13th significant. To be honest, we always thought it was just a great movie premise.

Friday the 13th is a day of superstition in countries worldwide, and the actual Greek terminology for a fear of the day is paraskavedekatriaphobia. It’s a bit of a mouthful, but it breaks down to Paraskeví (Παρασκευή) (meaning Friday), anddekatreís (δεκατρείς) (meaning thirteen), attached to phobía (φοβία) (meaning fear). Strange…we always expected there to be a bigger reason for people being afraid of this particular day, like a pagan sacrificial ritual or a Babylonian massacre or something cool like that.  But unfortunately, it turns out there’s really not much to it as far as history is concerned. There are some notable births (Margaret Thatcher) and some notable deaths (Tupac Shakur), but that’s really about it.

What we have found fascinating is the fear that people have of this particular day. Sources suggest that millions of people worldwide suffer from a debilitating fear of Friday the 13th—so much so that they are unable to carry out normal daily tasks and even go so far as to shut themselves in their homes in order to avoid any catastrophic bad luck that might be bestowed upon them.

Personally, we love everything about Friday the 13th, from the hilarity of these fears to the myriad pop-culture connections that have been made between superstition and the film and television industry. There’s an entire franchise of movies sharing the name and based loosely on the fabled satanic essence of the holiday, for goodness sake.

But since there seems to be very little information on how Friday the 13th came to be such a hallowed date, we can’t go on like this forever. So, in lieu of shining light on its meaning, we ask you, fair readers: what does Friday the 13th mean to you? Do you practice any occult rituals, watch scary movies or wreak havoc on your neighbors’ houses with eggs and toilet paper? Will you hold a séance in hopes of summoning the spirits of the celebripocalypse?

The Story: Carrie Prejean became extremely flustered while on-air with Larry King.  OneRiot breaks down her interviewing tactics, and helps her further her public speaking skills.

The Search: Larry King & Carrie Prejean

With all the pseudo-celebrities emerging over the past decade or so, we at OneRiot have grown increasingly concerned that people are getting famous for being stupid, as opposed to the days of yore when they became famous for having skill or talent.  Because most people try to avoid doing or saying stupid things for the sake of an antiquated concept that our forefathers called ‘dignity’, we rely on live TV to hand us these candid moments. Former pageant winner Carrie Prejean has had several of these opportunities, the most recent of which occurred when she walked off the Larry King show.

Prejean was clearly wary of falling face first into yet another of her now famous ‘incidents’, refusing to answer King’s questions and repeatedly calling the man ‘inappropriate’. While we agree that wearing suspenders during prime-time is extremely inappropriate, that still didn’t take away from Prejean’s knack for making a scene. It became clear to us in this most recent incident, the seemingly simple Prejean may actually be a genius taking cues from the greats of live TV blooper-makers, and not just the old lady who makes a sexual reference on a game show, or a swear word that made it past the censors. We’ve broken down her tactics by influence.

Mangle an Expression
Prejean had to have taken something from the rant-swer to a moderately simple question by Miss South Carolina in a pageant some time ago. In said response, the southern belle used the phrases ‘Such as’, ‘US Americans’, and various references to the war in Iraq in ways never before imagined or comprehended. Prejean displayed on Larry King that she had just learned the definition of ‘confidential agreement’, stating and restating the basic meaning and snubbing King when he tried to explain that he wasn’t asking how much she got, but rather why she settled. Carrie pleaded the 5th.
(Miss South Carolina) http://bit.ly/3fWeQp

Be Inflammatory
On Larry King, Prejean displayed a new found awareness, preventing her from ever being caught off guard again. Now, no one can fool her into saying something stupid. If she’s going to do it, it will come straight from that void in her skull. No prompts necessary. This is classic Kanye technique. Act now and apologize on Oprah later. Don’t bother understanding the question and never, ever stick to the script. Hey, do you like fish dicks?
(George Bush Does Not Care About Black People) http://bit.ly/uEjBO

Disrespect Goes a Long Way
They can’t make fun of you if you ridicule them first. Prejean made herself the innocent beautiful woman being prodded by an ‘inappropriate’ old man. What can a guy say to that? Nothing, that’s what. Humiliation causes even the most confident person to recoil. Prejean is learning quickly how to find a weak spot and exploit it. Before we know it, she’ll be playing it off as naturally as this guy.
(Laughing TV Host) http://bit.ly/PYWwb

Incorporate a Call to Action
Carrie Prejean expressed her views on gay marriage in response to a question from Perez Hilton, receiving widespread criticism despite her ‘No offense’ disclaimer. We feel that that was her very mistake. If you’re going to say something controversial, stand behind it. Don’t mince words. I mean, these are your beliefs you’re talking about. Say them loud. Say them with some gusto!
(I’m mad as hell and im not going to take it anymore) http://bit.ly/e7FSU

Plow On Despite the Obvious Stupidity
No matter what’s coming out of her mouth, Prejean continues to flash that pretty smile. If you’re committed, you can talk your way out of anything; or at least those of us eager for more bloopers are hoping that’s her mentality. Being pretty outweighs any kind of actual skill, talent, or even verbal coherence. Just ask Contessa Brewer.
(Jesse Jackson/Al Sharpton) http://bit.ly/a3HoA

On Nov. 12, 2008, our realtime search engine burst onto the internets, and a year later we have a lot to celebrate. From getting bundled into IE8, to predicting American Idol winners, to distributing our search results to lots of partners, to launching the first ad network for the realtime web, to partnering with Taptu to release the first realtime search engine for mobile, it’s been quite a ride!

Check out our birthday cake after the jump!

Some of our team getting ready to noms. Mmm, frosting.

The Story: An Asteroid narrowly missed crashing into earth.  OneRiot gives you a survival guide to avoid becoming space-toast in future impact situations.

The Search: Asteroid Misses Earth

While the likes of Kelly Osbourne and Aaron Carter might suggest that the concept of stars moving gracefully is a fairly new concept, the Earth’s existence in a veritable minefield of asteroids and comets is proof positive that Dancing With The Stars has been a vital element to our planetary survival for billions of years.  Every so often one of those soaring celestial bodies threatens to bring our civilization to a crashing halt with little to no warning.  Such was (almost) the case on November 6th when the Catalina Sky Survey noticed that an 23-foot wide asteroid known as 2009 VA missed the blue marble by a mere 8,700 miles.  Although we weren’t quite prepared for impact this time, we have a few suggestions in the case a similar E.L.E. (extinction level event) were to threaten your well-being in our OneRiot Guide to Asteroid Survival.

1. Be Smart- If you are in school and get good grades, the government will most likely pick you to join their earth re-population colony.  You will be notified only a few days prior to impact, so study hard because you never know when the big one is about to hit.

2. Have A Mattress Party- Invite all of your friends over and tell them to bring all of the mattresses from their homes.  Arrange all of the mattresses together into a big landing pad on your front lawn.  If enough mattress parties are held around the world there is a good chance that the impact of the asteroid will be lessened and the portion of the earth where it crashes will be spared massive damage.  This goes double for Tempur-pedic mattress parties.  Disclaimer: Just because you are having a mattress party does not mean you should hang out on the mattresses.  If the plan works and you are on your mattress you are likely to not be spared.

3. Become an Astronaut/Space Tourist- We’re not exactly sure what the becoming-an-Astronaut process is like.  We know you have to be really good at math and science and probably go to space camp.  Being in space, whether you’re an astronaut or space tourist is the best way to avoid getting killed once the asteroid slams into earth.  It’s a simple case of right place/right time.

4. Wear a helmet- Helmets are good for any kind of impact.

5. Enlist the Aliens- for years the government has been hiding the fact that we’ve been communicating with extra-terrestrial beings and ordering them to give anal probes on not so influential individuals. Instead of giving them nonsensical duties, now is the time to get them to use their superior technology to do us a solid.

6. Go Out With A Bang- Nix The Supermarket. Whatever you do, don’t waste time waiting in line for groceries, canned food and supply survivals.  What is that going to get you?  If you’re in harms way of an asteroid odds are you’re probably not going to make it.  Do you really want to spend your final moments waiting for Flo to make that final price check on aisle nine?  Paint the town red instead. Call anyone you’ve ever had a secret or not so secret desire to get involved with and make it happen. Time is of the essence for them and you.  Plus, if you haven’t already spent enough time appreciating your family, these last few days aren’t really going to make that much of a difference.

Alright, there you have it…our OneRiot “Survival” Guide for Asteroid-induced crises.  Add your own and oh yeah…REPENT!